Blunderov
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"We think in generalities, we live in details"
  
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RE: virus: Global Warming Study
« on: 2005-03-03 02:01:17 » |
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[Blunderov] Global warming is real. This piece is funny.
Best Regards
http://www.null-hypothesis.co.uk/
Conclusive proof of global warming from
studies of frozen confectionary
by Bluen Wiytarmee
Fortress Portman Institute of Higher Genius, Ipswich, United Kingdom.
Introduction
Global warming has been a matter of great debate for many years; indeed
it was French mathematician Jean-Baptiste-Joseph de Fourier who first
raised the possibility that gaseous emissions into the atmosphere could
cause temperature increases as early as 1820. However, there still
remains a certain amount of debate as to whether global warming is an
actual phenomenon, or whether it is merely a conspiracy put forward by
evil anticapitalists hell-bent on bringing about the end of economy,
society and the manner of life to which we are accustomed.
Defined as a slow gradual increase in the Earth's surface temperature
caused by the increase of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere, global
warming seems to be responsible for changes in world climate patterns.
Here, I
present data that I believe provides conclusive proof that global
warming is a very real occurrence.
Methods
I performed a meta-analysis of relevant information in previous
publications, manuscripts, anecdotal scribblings, cereal packets and
street-art. Initially the analysis was carried out blind, but time
constraints closed my window of opportunity and it was curtains for that
idea.
Results
As usual with statistics the meta-analysis produced a whole load of
guff. However, having fiddled around with the numbers, tried a range of
different techniques and blurred the occasional value, I finally found a
finding.
Having controlled for both annual and yearly publication rate it became
apparent that, over the past 50 years,there has been a dramatic increase
in the number of publications concerning .ice-cream., and this trend
seems set
to continue (Figure 1).
It is logical, nay obvious, that increased research interest in
ice-cream has been shaped by market, cultural and armed forces, and is
therefore related to increases in mean global temperature. Further data
tweaking showed that during the study period demand for ice-cream has
increased, leading to large-scale cultural changes. Whilst consumption
has gone up, average ice-cream quality has decreased (Vega et al. 2004)
along with the average size of Flake. Conversely incidences of near
fatal ice-cream-induced indigestion have increased (Hammerman & Kaplan
1994), due to the higher atmospheric temperature leading to a lower
average ice-cream half-life (the
amount of time taken for half a dollop of ice-cream to inmitancipate -
Figure 1). Since half-lives have decreased, the speed with which
ice-creams need to be eaten has increased from 5 licks/minute to well
over 11 licks/minute, which is well within the range of troughing, as
described by Warren (1972, see also Burnett 1994).
Discussion and Implications
It seems to me that there can be little doubt now over the occurrence of
global warming as a real phenomenon,and with it there come obvious and
serious implications. In addition to the dire warnings over melting of
the ice caps, desertification, flooding and all-round global disaster,
we could also be seeing the dawn of a new social era
0
100
200
300
400
500
600
700
1951-1960 1961-1970 1971-1980 1981-1990 1991-2000 2001-2010
10 Year period
Number of citations .
Ice Cream
Ice Melting
Figure 1. Increase in the incidence of ice-cream in the literature over
the last 50 years (left axis), the high peak in the 1970s was caused by
the unexpectedly hot summer of 1976. Standard unit of quality (SUQ)
values for some interrelated ice-cream matters (right axis) necessary
for this study (Dotted lines indicate predicted values for 2001-2010
period) in which purveyors of substandard ice-creams become inordinately
powerful members of society. With this kind of power who knows how long
it will be before Mr. Whippy stands for government?
Furthermore, I envisage a period of rapid tongue evolution for the human
species.With ice-cream half-lives set to decrease further (Flores & Goff
1999), there will be strong selective pressure to be able to eat
ice-creams more quickly, leading to specialised morphological
adaptations such as
superlinguation, an extension of the tongue. We hope that these findings
will finally nudge the world's presidents, prime ministers and governors
to join forces, and indeed hands, to try and reduce the impact of global
warming, and steady our ice-cream supply.
References
Burnett, A.W. (1994). Regional-scale troughing over the Southwestern
United States: Temporal climatology,
teleconnections, and climatic impact. Physical Geography 15, 80-98.
Flores, A.A. and Goff, H.D. (1999). Recrystallization in ice cream after
constant and cycling temperature storage
conditions as affected by stabilizers. Journal of Dairy Science 82,
1408-1415.
Hammerman, C. and Kaplan, M. (1994). Slurping and burping: Impact on
oxygen saturation. Pediatric Research
35, A228-A228.
Vega, C., Andrew, R.A. and Goff, H.D. (2004). Serum separation in
soft-serve ice cream mixes.
Milchwissenschaft - Milk Science International 59, 284-287.
Warren, R.C. (1972). Mashing, munching, crackling, crunching: Monster
gnash. New Zealand Journal of Agriculture 125, 24.
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