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virus: Liberals Sneaking into Canada
« on: 2006-07-02 11:12:06 » |
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This just in:
Winnipeg Herald, Manitoba, Canada
June 22, 2006
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada
has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols
to stop the illegal immigration. The actions of President Bush are
prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens -- who fear they soon be required to
hunt, smoke and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology
professors, animal-rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield,
whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted,
and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range
chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left."
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers
that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The
liberals are immune to him, so they still got through. And Rush annoyed
the cows so much, they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals
near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive
them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of
these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border
patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did
have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they are sent back across the border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors
have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing
re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, listen to
Ann Coulter and learn the rules of NASCAR
In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of
crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus
trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young
vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities
began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on
Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney songs, to prove they were alive in the '50's.
"If they can'tt identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show,
we get suspicious of their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan
Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy
just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors
does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice
President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that
the administration would take steps to reassure liberals. A source close
to Cheney said, "We'll put some endangered species on postage stamps.
And we might even have some Peter, Paul, and Mary concerts."
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