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   Author  Topic: We're very traditional around here  (Read 657 times)

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We're very traditional around here
« on: 2009-12-25 11:49:33 »
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[Blunderov] Deck the halls with bough of plastic. Tra lalala la.


We're very traditional around here
Category: Local • Weirdness
Posted on: December 24, 2009 6:49 PM, by PZ Myers

THIS. IS. MINNESOTA. We like our Christmases white around here, and it's not enough just to have a few decorative snowflakes tumble down — we need a blizzard, and that's what we're going to get. I was out there in the frigid whiteness earlier today, clearing the driveway and sidewalks, and now I'm all worn out, ready for a good night's rest. I expect I'll get up tomorrow to find even more snow piled up everywhere.

Another traditional way to spend the day before the blizzard is to scurry about stocking the larder, and I did a bit of that too…which led to the nicest, sweetest, most heart-warming occurrence. I was listening to the radio, and the announcer came on to mention the coming major snowstorm, and then — O Christmas Joy — began to read off a long, long list of church closures, religious programs cancelled, and Christian events shut down. It was like the Atheist Rapture had come. I felt my heart grow two sizes, and it wasn't just congestive heart failure brought on by over-exertion.

One more traditional affair to take care of: when I was a young'un in Seattle, on Christmas eve we'd watch the television clown, J.P. Patches, who would always have a little conversation with Santa. It's not quite Santa, but they're pretty much the same thing: tonight, from 9-11 Central time, you can tune in to Pacifica radio 90.1 in Houston, Texas, and listen to Scooter chatting with Jesus! Oh, that will make the conservatives so happy, that liberal radio jettisons the secular icon of Santa Claus and goes straight to the founder of their faith. It's going to be a great Christmas program, and it should be unperturbed by our upper Midwestern blizzard.

Now you may be thinking, "But I'm not in Texas!" This, of course, is yet another reason to praise Jesus. You're also in luck, because Jesus will be streaming over the interwebs. You can also call in to 713 526 5738 and speak to Jesus — maybe you can tell him what toys you want.

I understood there will also be a Hell Pope of the Subgenius on, so all theological issues will be thoroughly covered.
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