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Fox
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Never underestimate the odds.
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Liberi Fatali
« on: 2006-09-13 13:52:27 » |
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Greetings CoV.
The following is a short story written by myself, more accuratly it is a fanfiction based upon the beginning of the video game story, Final Fantasy VIII.
Liberi Fatali is latin origin which translates to "Fated Children."
If you would like to read and review then by all means please do, your views, opinions and criticisms are more then welcome. I myself am still alittle unsatisfied with it (I was thinking about entering it in to a short story competition), so I would like to put it to your good judgement, this way I can work on any flaws, mistakes or errors that you see in my writing, and help me improve.
Thank-you and enjoy.
Regards, Fox
p.s If you would like to hear the Orchestral music which goes with this (and watch the actual CGI video) you can do here. I find it awe inspiring.
Liberi Fatali
Dawn.
The suns light caressed a lone and dark figure moving hard within his Stride upon the rocky terrain of a small hill, the morning’s breeze pushing lightly against him.
The trek was not arduous, but it was steep and the weight of the Gunblade to his side didn’t make the climb any simpler.
The summit came into view as the dark figure easily leapt the last few steps, a surge of energy now coursing his veins.
The summit opened up like a golden carpet spread out before him forcing his eyes to narrow. A lone figure, silhouetted against the morning horizon stood directly ahead of him amid the suns gaze.
“You’re late, Squall.” A displeased tone rang out before him. A man in a white raincoat, holding a long and sleek blade, was waiting impatiently. Squall knew the voice well, a little too well for his own liking, but had difficulty making out his opponent as the morning sun glowered upon him, forcing Squall’s eyes to see nothing but a standing shadow.
“Wrong, Seifer. You’re early.”
Seifer turned to his side, simultaneously swinging the tightly gripped Gunblade onto his shoulder.
“Tsk…what does it matter anyway, you still can't win this", Seifer turned his focus to the jagged floor beneith them.
"There’s been a shortage of blood around here lately” said Seifer, narrowing his eyes looking up at Squall with a vindictive smirk.
Seifer had despised Squall for as long as he could remember; Squall knew that he felt threatened by him because of his abilities. But when Seifer issued him a challenge in a training session at Duel hill, Squall couldn’t resist, accepting immediately if only to sooner wipe the smug off Seifer’s face.
He knew that this was no real training session which Seifer had issued that was just something said to keep the teachers at bay, no, Seifer's pride wanted more then that, and for the same reason Squall could not back down.
Duel hill was aptly named, located only a few miles from Balamb Garden, one of three elite military academies situated in the world. The hill curved down at the summit into a lens shape, like a natural arena. The rough rocky surface made it easy to grip, but painful to fall to.
The hill had many times beared witness to the duels amongst students of Balamb Garden, and it was about to testify to another.
The sun slowly began to fade as the sky turned dark. Cloud after cloud slowly veiled the lights golden hue, as if the sun itself was masking its face from the onset of the fray.
Seifer threw his Gunblade into the ground, a short sharp crack reverberating throughout the hill as its long sleek edge embedded itself within the earth.
“Are you ready, Squall”, Squall instantly acknowledged his opponents rhetoric, withdrawing the blade from his holster, then throwing it to the ground whilst raising the Gunblade high in front. He positioned himself, and aligned into his combat stance, blade held firmly in an inclined position before him, ready to block or strike at any time.
Seifer sneered picking up his Gunblade; he held it horizontally at shoulder level, his right arm bearing most of his blades weight. Seifer alone was only capable of using this stance effectively, and he prided himself upon it. Few knew where and when Seifer would strike next when he stood like this and he thrived on it.
Both men stood in glower upon the other, the icy blue of Squall's eyes locked in conflict with the emerald green of Seifer's; like a rampant forest against the raging sea before the onset of a storm.
The sound of strident winds crashed high above as thunder rippled throughout the skies dark canopy.
Squall rushed forward, bringing his Gunblade up and swinging it at waist-level. The blade moved swiftly against the breeze with such speed against its edge that the air sung upon it. Seifer was well aware, he swung his blade in the opposite direction to parry Squall’s attack. The clash of metal rang-out loudly over the morning hills. Seifer swiftly doubled back, felling his hand minorly numb in blocking the attack, but Squall showed no sign of relenting.
He rushed forth again.
Seifer had anticipated that.
He jumped back whilst simultaneously spinning round Squall's attack, launching an attack of his own. Squall saw Seifer's blade advancing but couldn’t parry the strike as the momentum from his own blade kept him from retracting it. He ducked.
Bang!
There was a loud explosion above Squall’s head. He was momentarily stunned; he quickly retreated back from Seifer's proximity, realigning his defence stance; he looked towards Seifer, his eyes wide with a mix of confusion and anger. Seifer’s Gunblade was smoking at the barrel, the firing mechanism had been triggered. Thoughts were rushing through Squall's head, maybe he pulled it as a taunt, or maybe as a direct assault. Such an explosion could easily disfigure one, or even maim.
It is an unwritten agreement that Gunblades are not supposed to be triggered during training sessions for the sake of ones safty. Squall knew this and quickly realized that it was no longer a normal challenge, but a battle for survival.
Seifer retracted his Gunblade, sneering. He raised his left hand, taunting Squall with his forefinger. “Let’s see how much of a fighter you really are.” Seifer's words came both mocking and venomously.
Squall began to advance expeditiously towards his opponent, but Seifer came charging at him; Squall returned the attack. He ran at Seifer, mouth open and with rage; Seifer simply smiled in return, filled with pride and a sinful delight.
Seifer leaped from the ground spinning both his body and weapon around with a one hundred and eighty degree slash attack directly aimed for Squall's head; launching his blade into a side cutting swipe just before reaching his opponent. Squall instantly brought his right leg forward, pushing it hard into the ground, stopping as he brought up his Gunblade with haste to his right, only just parrying Seifers venomous assault.
The two men locked into combat with eachother their biceps tensed and raging with blood, eachone holding their ground as stance and steel forced ardently against the others, each rivals blade pushing contrarily in an attempt to gain ground, their eyes locked contra with the others in burning resolve.
Seifer precipitately pulled his blade from his opponent's lowering it, he moved parallel and inline with his own Gunblade around to Squall's left launching a malicious strike at to his side, his arm swung out whilst adding more power to the strike by bringing himself up at the same time; yet Squall was all to familiar with Seifers agility, pulling back at the same time as Seifer.
He parried the assult moving against Seifer's momentum, agilely yielding his Gunblade around into a short horizontal thrust crashing downwards, deflecting Seifer's assult away from him.
Seifer turned with unrelenting fury and quickly brought his attack stance back into alignment; he propelled his Gunblade dynamically, its horizontal motion cutting swiftly through the air towards Squall once more; Squall droped, projecting his own Gunblade vertically in a circular swing propelling Seifer away from him, the force momentarily stunned Seifer's awarness almost knocking the blade from his hand as Squall brought himself to full height, bringing his Gunblade into defensive alignment before Seifer could counterstrike.
He went at Seifer hard and fierce with physical and mental exertion, launching heavy blows one after the other at his chest. Seifer's eyes narrowed, he stepped back on the defensive bringing his left hand up gripping his blade; his right grasped the hilt while his left palm held firmly against the back mid-section of the weapon.
His face contorted as he blocked and deflected each of Squalls assaults. His Gunblade was thinner then Squalls and so was more agile as he leapt backwards, bringing the Gunblade across to his left, hurling it into a horizontal swipe; Squall, who held both hands constantly upon the hilt brought round his blade bringing his weight into it's momentum, knocking Seifer just of target to the right, while he leapt to the safety of his left.
Both men repositioned themselves, their lungs filling hard and rapid with air as thunder once more struck the skies.
Seifer's eyes narrowed as Squall's widened. He ran into Seifers defence, blade high and full with intent.
Clash after clash of solid steel rang out with every strike, sparks ignited from the edges of the two striking blades showering the rocky ground with an evanescent hue, each blow almost paralleled against the others.
Seifer constantly stabbed at the mid-section of Squall, forcing him to retain his defensive position, counterstriking where he could. He deflected Seifer's blade upwards leaving him vulnerable as Squall quickly lunged forward swunging his blade in a diagonal motion towards him as it tore a gash in Seifer’s raincoat.
Seifer’s glare lit with animosity, he saw his chance, Squall was left open momentarily. He used his agility and brought his blade into a curved motion strike from his sholder veering it downwards parallel towards Squall's body. But Squall jumped to his left, spinning around, as he thrust his Gunblade to meet Seifers next swing.
The two blades remained momentarily locked and Seifer's patience were wearing thin, he brought the force of his legs against Squall, forcing his opponents blade away from his defence with his own, yet Squall quickly doubled back.
Seifer spun around, swinging ferociously at Squalls right in an upward and parallel thrust. Squall had no time to defend, lowering his head he dropping halfway to the ground, and rolled to his left.
He almost instantly launched another attack barely giving Squall time to lift his Gunblade in defence.
Seifers Gunblade came down in a vertical strike towards his opponent as Squall launched his weapon up in response while stepping backwards as Seifer advanced. He knocked Seifers Gunblade away to his right with excessive force as another explosion screamed out in Squalls defence.
The explosion rocked Squall’s Gunblade, and threw him back by about three feet. Had he not have used such force the shot would have torn his body asunder.
Seifer escaped the blast by retreating at the same time as he pulled the trigger.
Squall knew that the explosion was no accident. Enraged, he realigned his attack stance, charging toward his rival Gunblade raised and hand out before him.
But Seifer did not appear to parry. Instead, he just stood raising his palm and facing Squall. Red and amber wisps of energy gathered around and within the palm of Seifer's hand, quickly melding into a concentrated ball of energy.
‘Magic!’ Squall thought, but it was too late and he could not stop or turn in time due to his momentum. The fiery ball screamed with power as it went straight at him, aiming for his chest while Squall brought up his blade in haste, turning it to its side as the ball of energy struck its metallic exterior, viciously recoiling back and hitting Squall hard in the chest against his momentum, as it knocked him down to the rocky floor.
Squall’s mind was caught in a red haze. He could only think that magic is forbidden during training sessions, and that such actions could probably result in exclusion from Garden.
There was a malicious laugh ahead of him; Squall looked up as his eyes began to clear, glimpsing Seifer, Gunblade raised and laughing away. There was no time to react against Seifer's alacrity, he swung down his blade hard on Squall with sheer momentum.
Squall instantly felt the hard contact of steel as it ruptured aligdly across his forehead, quickly becoming a sharp searing pain as the blade gashed diagonally from his brow to his upper-cheek, missing his left eye by no more then an inch. His eyes began to cloud red with blood. The incision ebbed, specks coating the ground below him with a crimson hue.
Squall’s thoughts were blurred but he knew Seifer had done this with malice as his only intention. He was lucky that Seifer had not pulled the trigger that time, had he done so his skull would have be decimated.
Sheer wrath overcame Squall, as he looked up with distorted vision and through blood stained eyes towards Seifer, as he turned walking away and laughing to himself drunk on his own pride and victory. Squall felt something both erupt and snap within him, a feeling a hate that most could only imagine.
He came to his feet, grabbing his Gunblade with predatory intent, his mind in a haze. He only vaguely knew of Seifer’s position, as the white raincoat contrasted with the dark surroundings. The blood ran down his face from the laceration to his brow and right cheek. He let out a roar of sheer rancour, eyes widened, clouded with blood and wrath. He ran at Seifer.
The ground began to spark as the Gunblades sharp tip seared rapidly across it, Squall launched a long and vicious blow.
Squall swung the Gunblade with more ferocity and force then before, the background seeming to flash brightly, as he felt time beginning to slow and the looming of his unconsciousness. He felt the reassuring heat of the rising sun breaking through the darkness of the clouds.
And he saw Seifer.
Seifer turned to faced Squall. His mind was momentarily perplexed and taken back by this suddenness, and the unnatural sight of Squalls vivacity; he tryed raising his Gunblade to his defence, but was unable to react in time, it was as if a flash of light has stopped time itself.
Squall, with sheer velocity, gripping his weapon tighter with both hands, swung his Gunblade with preeminent force casting away Seifer's blade and stripping his defence.
Seifer felt the sharp tip of the Gunblade as its edge slashed across his face cutting along the upper-cheek up to his brow; blood exuded quickly staining the grey earth beneath him, his wound parallel, yet at the opposite angle from that he had inflicted upon Squall.
Seifer’s eyes narrowed, his world went red relinquishing his Gunblade as it hit the rocky floor with a dull clash.
Falling to his hands and knees, he wasn't even sure what had just happened only that his consciousness was quickly fading away.
He hit the ground as darkness overcame him.
Exhausted from the outburst Squall dropped his Gunblade, its cold metallic blood stained surface colliding with the ground, echoing along the rocks.
Squall felt his strength leave him as he collapsed backwards hitting the surface below - blood bluring his vision still streaming from the Laceration to his brow.
He lay there wondering if Seifer had died from the blow…but didn’t care.
He watched almost peacefully as the crimson sky went black.
© Fox 2006. (excluding characters and settings which remain the property of Square Co. ©)
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I've never expected a miracle. I will get things done myself. - Gatsu
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Blunderov
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"We think in generalities, we live in details"
 
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Re:Liberi Fatali
« Reply #1 on: 2006-09-13 18:39:10 » |
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Quote:[Blunderov] An epic battle and an entertaining read. Thank you for presenting it here. I do have some suggestions.
Dawn.
The suns light caressed a lone and dark figure moving hard within his Stride upon the rocky terrain of a small hill, the morning’s breeze pushing lightly against him.
The trek was not arduous, but it was steep and the weight of the Gunblade to his side didn’t make the climb any simpler.
The summit came into view as the dark figure easily leapt the last few steps, a surge of energy now coursing his veins.
The summit opened up like a golden carpet spread out before him forcing his eyes to narrow. A lone figure, silhouetted against the morning horizon stood directly ahead of him amid the suns gaze.
“You’re late, Squall.” A displeased tone rang out before him. A man in a white raincoat, holding a long and sleek blade, was waiting impatiently. Squall knew the voice well, a little too well for his own liking, but had difficulty making out his opponent as the morning sun glowered upon him, forcing Squall’s eyes to see nothing but a standing shadow.
“Wrong, Seifer. You’re early.”
Seifer turned to his side, simultaneously swinging the tightly gripped Gunblade onto his shoulder.
“Tsk…what does it matter anyway, you still can't win this", Seifer turned his focus to the jagged floor beneith them.
"There’s been a shortage of blood around here lately” said Seifer, narrowing his eyes looking up at Squall with a vindictive smirk.
Seifer had despised Squall for as long as he could remember; Squall knew that he felt threatened by him because of his abilities. But when Seifer issued him a challenge in a training session at Duel hill, [Bl. Capital "H"] Squall couldn’t resist, accepting immediately if only to sooner wipe the smug [Bl. Possibly "smugness"?] off Seifer’s face.
He knew that this was no real training session which Seifer had issued [Bl. Comma here]that was just something said to keep the teachers at bay, [Bl. New thought, new sentence here.] no, Seifer's pride wanted more then that, and for the same reason Squall could not back down.
Duel hill was aptly named, [Bl. I don't think you need to say that it was aptly named, your later description of it's proximity to 3 academies will ring better, IMO, if you omit this.] located only a few miles from Balamb Garden, one of three elite military academies situated in the world. The hill curved down at the summit into a lens shape, like [Bl. I think you could omit"like" here.] a natural arena. The rough rocky surface made it easy to grip, but painful to fall to. [Bl. I think "on" not "to" would be the usual form. Not necessarily compulsory though.]
The hill had many times beared [Bl. "born".] witness to the duels amongst students of Balamb Garden, and it was about to testify to another.
[Bl. This almost works but there is a little problem with the tenses. The duel is about to happen and so is a testimony of that duel. But testimony speaks of that which is past ... do you see what I mean? The testimony and duel cannot really take place at the same time. Attractive though the connection is between witness and testimony, I think simply " .. and it was about see another" might resolve this. You could perhaps save some dramatic impact for the end, something like " ... but it was about to see the most ferocious battle that had ever been contested in all the long ages of the tradition."
The sun slowly began to fade as the sky turned dark. Cloud after cloud [Bl. I might be inclined to say instead "Succeeding clouds..."] slowly veiled the lights golden hue, as if the sun itself was masking its face from the onset of the fray. [Bl. I think one wants to be a little careful with "as if". Nothing wrong with it, here and there, unavoidable really. But often one can simply take the "as if" "as read" eg, (the bald statement) "the sun itself turned its face from the looming fray.." Sometimes you can just take it by the scruff of the neck.]
Seifer threw his Gunblade into the ground, a short sharp crack reverberating throughout the hill as its long sleek edge embedded itself within the earth.
“Are you ready, Squall”, Squall instantly acknowledged his opponents rhetoric, [Bl. "Rhetoric" is not the right word here. Possibly "challenge"? "Taunt" even?] withdrawing the blade from his holster, then throwing it to the ground whilst raising the Gunblade high in front. He positioned himself, and aligned into his combat stance, blade held firmly in an inclined position before him, ready to block or strike at any time.
Seifer sneered [Bl. Here "and" or a comma.]picking up his Gunblade; [Bl. Omit semi-colon here.] he held it horizontally at shoulder level, his right arm bearing most of his blades [Bl. Possibly "the"and not "his"?.] weight. Seifer alone was only[Bl. Omit "only" here; it is redundant.] capable of using this stance effectively, and he prided himself upon it. Few knew where and when Seifer would strike next when he stood like this and he thrived on it. [Bl. This may need a little reworking. It seems to imply that he sometimes used other, lesser stances, which would not seem very sensible.]
Both men stood in glower upon the other,[Bl. "Glowering at the other"? the icy blue of Squall's eyes locked in conflict with the emerald green of Seifer's; like a rampant forest against the raging sea before the onset of a storm.
The sound of strident winds crashed high above as thunder rippled throughout [Bl. Nice work. But "through" instead of "throughout" would be my choice".] the skies dark canopy.
Squall rushed forward, bringing his Gunblade up and swinging it at waist-level. The blade moved swiftly against the breeze [Bl. "breeze seems a little too mellow for the moment, "wind" perhaps? "Gusting wind" even? There seems to be a goodish storm going already.] with such speed against its edge that the air sung upon it. Seifer was well aware, he swung his blade in the opposite direction to parry Squall’s attack. The clash of metal rang-out loudly over the morning [Bl. Again, a little iconoclastic. "Morning" has a hopeful connotation which seems a bit at odds with the actual homicidal fury which is unfolding. Perhaps something like "huddled hills"?] Seifer swiftly doubled back, felling his hand minorly numb [Bl. "feeling" not felling I think. I would prefer "his hand numbed from blocking the attack" here.] in blocking the attack, but Squall showed no sign of relenting.
He rushed forth again. [Bl. In order to go forth he has to go from one place to another. But he and his opponent are engaged in the same arena. I think "He rushed again" would be fine.
Seifer had anticipated that.
He jumped back whilst simultaneously spinning round Squall's attack, launching an attack of his own. Squall saw Seifer's blade advancing but couldn’t parry the strike as the momentum from his own blade kept him from retracting it. He ducked.
Bang!
There was a loud explosion above Squall’s head. He was momentarily stunned; he quickly retreated back from Seifer's proximity, realigning his defence stance; he looked towards Seifer, his eyes wide with a mix of confusion and anger. Seifer’s Gunblade was smoking at the barrel, the firing mechanism had been triggered. Thoughts were rushing through Squall's head, maybe he pulled it as a taunt, or maybe as a direct assault. Such an explosion could easily disfigure one,[Bl. Don't need "one" here.] or even maim.
It is an unwritten agreement that [Bl. I would omit this (previous) clause. It seems to detract from the immediacy which has worked well for your story and its telling so far. It introduces a slightly extraneous element into the proceedings.] Gunblades are not supposed to be triggered during training sessions for the sake of ones [Bl.Again, "ones" is not necessary here.] safty. Squall knew this [Bl. Leave out "knew this and". By now your audience is aware of Squalls credentials.] and quickly realized that it was no longer a normal challenge, but a battle for survival.
Seifer retracted his Gunblade, sneering. He raised his left hand, taunting Squall with his forefinger. “Let’s see how much of a fighter you really are.” Seifer's words came both mocking and venomously. [Bl. Hmm. Mocking implies amusement and venom implies hatred. Together, they seem a little incongruous to me. Perhaps a bit of a rethink here?]
Squall began to advance expeditiously towards his opponent, but Seifer came charging at him; Squall returned the attack. He ran at Seifer, mouth open and with rage; [Bl. I might be inclined to indulge in an adjective here. (I'm weak, weak. I know.) "burning rage" perhaps? Something a little less cliched than "burning" might be better.] Seifer simply smiled in return, filled with pride and a sinful delight.
Seifer leaped from the ground spinning both his body and weapon around with a one hundred and eighty degree slash attack directly aimed for Squall's head; launching his blade into a side cutting swipe just before reaching his opponent. Squall instantly brought his right leg forward, pushing it hard into the ground, stopping as he brought up his Gunblade with haste to his right, only just parrying Seifers venomous assault.
The two men locked into [Bl. "in", not "into".] combat with each other their biceps tensed and raging with blood, [Bl. "Blood" is tricky here; are they bleeding from the combat or do you refer to the blood pumping in their veins? It might be better to avoid the problem with, for instance, "biceps bursting" or something similar.] each one holding their [Bl. "his" not "their".] ground as stance and steel forced ardently against the others, [Bl. "other" not "others"] each rivals blade pushing contrarily in an attempt to gain ground, their eyes locked contra with the others in burning resolve. [Bl. I would say simply "eyes locked in burning resolve".]
Seifer precipitately pulled [Bl. perhaps a more dramatic verb could hold its own here; "wrenched", "ripped", ?] his blade [Bl. Insert "away".] from his opponent's lowering it, he moved parallel and inline with his own Gunblade around to Squall's left launching a malicious strike at to his side, his arm swung out whilst adding more power to the strike by bringing himself up at the same time; yet Squall was all to familiar with Seifers agility, pulling back at the same time as Seifer.
He parried the assult moving against Seifer's momentum, agilely [Bl. I'm not sure what the correct form of "agile would be here. Not this though. Get back to you on that.]yielding his Gunblade around into a short horizontal thrust crashing downwards, deflecting Seifer's assult away from him.
Seifer turned with unrelenting fury and quickly brought his attack stance back into alignment; he propelled his Gunblade dynamically, its horizontal motion cutting swiftly through the air towards Squall once more; Squall droped, projecting his own Gunblade vertically in a circular swing propelling Seifer away from him, the force momentarily stunned Seifer's awarness almost knocking the blade from his hand as Squall brought himself to full height, bringing his Gunblade into defensive alignment before Seifer could counterstrike.
He went at Seifer hard and fierce with physical and mental [Bl. "mental" seems dubious. Doubtless his mind was working furiously but your telling of the tale has been chiefly about the moves and counter moves. The reference to the mental aspect of the combat comes across as a bit of a digression from your account so far. IMO] exertion, launching heavy blows one after the other at his chest. Seifer's eyes narrowed, he stepped back on the defensive bringing his left hand up gripping his blade; his right grasped the hilt while his left palm held firmly against the back mid-section of the weapon.
His face contorted as he blocked and deflected each of Squalls assaults. His Gunblade was thinner then Squalls and so was more agile as he leapt backwards, bringing the Gunblade across to his left, hurling it into a horizontal swipe; Squall, who held both hands constantly upon the hilt brought round his blade bringing his weight into it's momentum, knocking Seifer just of target to the right, while he leapt to the safety of his left.
Both men repositioned themselves, their lungs filling hard and rapid with air as thunder once more struck the skies. [Bl. I can understand your desire to avoid cliche. But I would still prefer "thunder shook" to "thunder struck" here.]
Seifer's eyes narrowed as Squall's widened. He ran into Seifers defence, blade high and full with intent.
Clash after clash of solid steel rang out with every strike, sparks ignited from the edges of the two striking blades showering the rocky ground with an evanescent hue, [Bl. "Evanescent hue" seems a little too peaceful, perhaps something like " showering the ground with legions of angry snapping stars". Something, anyway, which appeals to martial imagery is what I would suggest.] each blow almost paralleled against the others.
Seifer constantly stabbed at the mid-section of Squall, forcing him to retain his defensive position, counterstriking where he could. He deflected Seifer's blade upwards leaving him vulnerable as Squall quickly lunged forward swunging [Bl. "Swinging".] his blade in a diagonal motion towards him as it tore a gash in Seifer’s raincoat.
Seifer’s glare lit with animosity, he saw his chance, Squall was left open momentarily. He used his agility and brought his blade into a curved motion strike from his sholder veering it downwards parallel towards Squall's body. But Squall jumped to his left, spinning around, as he thrust his Gunblade to meet Seifers next swing.
The two blades remained momentarily locked and Seifer's patience were wearing thin, he brought the force of his legs against Squall, forcing his opponents blade away from his defence with his own, yet Squall quickly doubled back.
Seifer spun around, swinging ferociously at Squalls right in an upward and parallel thrust. Squall had no time to defend, lowering his head he dropping halfway to the ground, and rolled to his left.
He almost instantly launched another attack barely giving Squall time to lift his Gunblade in defence.
Seifers Gunblade came down in a vertical strike towards his opponent as Squall launched his weapon up in response while stepping backwards as Seifer advanced. He knocked Seifers Gunblade away to his right with excessive [Bl. Umm. I don't think this is the word you mean. I may be wrong. I would prefer "Prodigious" or perhaps "unanswerable" force."] force as another explosion screamed out in Squalls defence.
The explosion rocked Squall’s Gunblade, and threw him back by about three feet. Had he not have [Bl. Omit "have".] used such force the shot would have torn his body asunder.
Seifer escaped the blast by retreating at the same time as he pulled the trigger.
Squall knew that the explosion was no accident. Enraged, he realigned his attack stance, charging toward his rival Gunblade raised and hand out before him.
But Seifer did not appear to parry. Instead, he just stood raising his palm and facing Squall. Red and amber wisps of energy gathered around and within the palm of Seifer's hand, quickly melding into a concentrated ball of energy.
‘Magic!’ Squall thought, but it was too late and he could not stop or turn in time due to his momentum. The fiery ball screamed with power as it went straight at him, aiming for his chest while Squall brought up his blade in haste, turning it to its side as the ball of energy struck its metallic exterior, [Bl. Swords do have an interior and an exterior its true. But only in the laboratory. In battle they have an edge or a flat. Here, I would say something like"turning it so that the ball of energy struck it on the flat."] viciously recoiling back and hitting Squall hard in the chest against his momentum, as it knocked him down to the rocky floor.
Squall’s mind was caught in a red haze. He could only think that magic is forbidden during training sessions, and that such actions could probably result in exclusion from Garden.
There was a malicious laugh ahead of him; Squall looked up as his eyes began to clear, glimpsing Seifer, Gunblade raised and laughing away. There was no time to react against [Bl. It may be that "react to" is more correct than "react against". Correctness isn't everything though.] Seifer's alacrity, he swung down his blade hard on Squall with sheer momentum.
Squall instantly felt the hard contact of steel as it ruptured aligdly [Bl. ?] across his forehead, quickly becoming a sharp searing pain as the blade gashed diagonally from his brow to his upper-cheek, missing his left eye by no more then an inch. His eyes began to cloud red with blood. The incision ebbed, [Bl. I think you may mean the opposite here, "flowed"?. Ebb tide is the receding tide.] specks [Bl. "Specks" seem too feeble to do any significant coating of the ground to me. Perhaps "gobbets" or "gouts" would do better." coating the ground below him with a crimson hue. [Bl. Beware the cliche!]
Squall’s thoughts were blurred but he knew Seifer had done this with malice as his only intention. He was lucky that Seifer had not pulled the trigger that time, had he done so his skull would have be decimated. [Bl. Not quite the right word IMO. "Decimated" means reduced to a tenth of the size strictly speaking, although of course it also means a comprehensive rout. Usually though, it is used in a context where numbers are relevant in some way. Here there is still only one skull although it is not in great shape.
"Pulverised" or "shattered" or something like that might work better.]
Sheer wrath overcame Squall, as he looked up with distorted vision and through blood stained eyes towards Seifer, as he turned walking away and laughing to himself drunk on his own pride and victory. Squall felt something both erupt and snap within him, a feeling a hate that most could only imagine.
He came to his feet, grabbing his Gunblade with predatory intent, his mind in a haze. He only vaguely knew of Seifer’s position, as the white raincoat contrasted with the dark surroundings. The blood ran down his face from the laceration to his brow and right cheek. He let out a roar of sheer rancour, eyes widened, clouded with blood and wrath. He ran at Seifer.
The ground began to spark as the Gunblades sharp tip seared rapidly across it, Squall launched a long and vicious blow.
Squall swung the Gunblade with more ferocity and force then before, the background seeming to flash brightly, as he felt time beginning to slow and the looming of his unconsciousness. He felt the reassuring heat of the rising sun breaking through the darkness of the clouds.
And he saw Seifer.
Seifer turned to faced Squall. His mind was momentarily perplexed and taken back by this suddenness, and the unnatural sight of Squalls vivacity; he tryed raising his Gunblade to his defence, but was unable to react in time, it was as if a flash of light has stopped time itself. [Bl. Perhaps some work on the dreaded "as if"? Another, more artful way of saying "as if" perhaps? It's hard to avoid. I know, I know.]
Squall, with sheer velocity, gripping his weapon tighter with both hands, swung his Gunblade with preeminent force casting away Seifer's blade and stripping his defence.
Seifer felt the sharp tip of the Gunblade as its edge slashed across his face cutting along the upper-cheek up to his brow; blood exuded quickly staining the grey earth beneath him, his wound parallel, yet at the opposite angle from that he had inflicted upon Squall.
Seifer’s eyes narrowed, his world went red relinquishing his Gunblade as it hit the rocky floor with a dull clash.
Falling to his hands and knees, he wasn't even sure what had just happened [Bl. Comma.] only that his consciousness was quickly fading away.
He hit the ground as darkness overcame him. [Bl. I would be inclined to get truly melodramatic at this point. Something like "The darkling ground rose up and overcame him." (You are, however, under no obligation to be me. In fact I find the world quite confusing enough as it is so I would have to recommend against it.)]
Exhausted from the outburst Squall dropped his Gunblade, its cold metallic blood stained surface colliding with the ground, echoing along the rocks.
Squall felt his strength leave him as he collapsed backwards hitting the surface below - blood bluring his vision still streaming from the Laceration to his brow.
He lay there wondering if Seifer had died from the blow…but didn’t care.
He watched almost peacefully as the crimson sky went black.
[Bl. This, I suggest, is where you might look to get a twist in. Many, even most, short stories use the device of an unexpected ending. It is quite characteristic of the form.
Off the top of my head, something like:
"He lay there wondering if Seifer had died from the blow…but didn’t care.
Battlebots never care." If you see what I mean?
© Fox 2006. (excluding characters and settings which remain the property of Square Co. ©)
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Hope this was of some use to you.
Best regards
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Fox
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Never underestimate the odds.
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Re:Liberi Fatali
« Reply #2 on: 2006-09-18 20:41:05 » |
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Greetings Blunderov.
Thank-you very much for your wonderful review I wasn't quite expecting someone to give such careful consideration over it. I will get round to adding your suggestions into its works so thank-you, your work here is very much appreciated.
From also reading your review I also noticed on how many errors I made while writing it, so thanks for pointing them out, I'll need to learn to be a little less impulsive.
Once more thank-you for your time here Blunderov, and your excellent criticisms.
Kind regards,
Fox
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I've never expected a miracle. I will get things done myself. - Gatsu
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Blunderov
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"We think in generalities, we live in details"
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Re:Liberi Fatali
« Reply #3 on: 2006-09-18 21:16:47 » |
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[Blunderov] You are very welcome. I'm glad you enjoy writing.
If you would permit me, I have some further suggestions of a slightly more general nature.
A spell checker is your friend.* It helps with grammar too.
The description of the battle in Liberi Fatali is perhaps too drawn out, at least in its concentration on the tactical manouvering. Even hardcore fans might find the detail a little overwhelming. It might be worthwhile exploring the differing styles of the fighters and the ways in which these styles reflect their respective personalities and histories. Techique is technique, but the forge in which the warriors spirit is forged can be decisive between equals. Which values prevailed (as opposed to techniques)? Why was this? Was this just? Is any victory a just victory or is victory with integrity more important? Challenge yourself and your audience.
Then of course, the big twist.
Have fun.
*It might be wise not to place too much reliance on my punctuation. It can be, shall we say, idiosynchratic.
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