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Hermit
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The CoV Newscast
« on: 2002-03-07 10:37:47 »
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“COV NEWSCAST”

Written by

TheHermit
FIRST PORTION FIRST DRAFT RELEASED FOR COMMENT
Friday, September 03, 1999
Copyright Reserved, TheHermit, 1999-2002
Free distribution for the benefit of the Church of Virus
[http://virus.Lucifer.com]
is encouraged, so long as it is complete and unaltered
including this header.
"COV NEWSCAST"

"COV NEWSCAST"

FADE IN:
NEWSDESK 1
NEWSREADER SITTING AT DESK, USUAL CNN STYLE BACKGROUND. COV LOGO IN TOP RIGHT OF SCREEN. VIRUS.LUCIFER.COM ACROSS BOTTOM OF SCREEN BLINKING AT 7X PER SECOND.

    NEWSREADER:
    And just in from our religious reporter, this report on a new answer to…

[DRUM ROLL]

    NEWSREADER:
    “The Meaning of Life”.

NEWSREADER LOOKS SCENE LEFT, NODS HER HEAD AND SAYS:

    NEWSREADER:
    Thank-you.

NEWSREADER FACES CAMERA

    Now we all are familiar with various ways of obtaining “religious satisfaction” from the everyday, or at least Saturday, occurrence/…

CUT TO MISSIONARIES AT DOOR WITH FAMILY]
MISSIONARIES HALL 1
LONG SHOT OF INTERIOR OF DOOR.
FX: SOUND OF BED SPRINGS. SOUND OF THUNDEROUS KNOCKING.
FX: [DOOR APPEARS TO SHAKE]
MISSIONARIES EXTERIOR 1
CUT TO EXTERIOR. MEDIUM SHOT “MISSIONARY FAMILY” (Male Missionary in dark suit and white tie with briefcase and bible, Woman dressed up to the nines in blue dress, two children, a boy and a girl. Boy and Girl are fighting over bibles).
MALE MISSIONARY HITS CHILDREN ON BACK OF HEADS.
ACTORS SHOW ADJUSTING FACES TO ADOPT “PIOUS” EXPRESSIONS.
FX: FADE IN CHORAL MUSIC IN BG.
MISSIONARIES HALL 2
CUT BACK TO LONG SHOT OF DOOR.
REAR OF MAN PULLING ON TROUSERS, HEAR HIM ZIP FLY. SEE HIM STUMBLE TO DOOR. TRIPS ON CAT. OBVIOUSLY HAS BEEN CAUGHT “ON THE JOB”. SEE CAT WITH TAIL UP RUNNING FROM DOOR.
LOOKS THROUGH PEEPHOLE.
HARD CUT ON ACTION TO:
MISSIONARIES EXTERIOR 2
MEDIUM FISHEYE SHOT OF MISSIONARIES SMILING – ALL TEETH.
DROP VIEW TO WOMAN MISSIONARIES FEET – SHE SHIFTS THEM TO INDICATE NERVOUSNESS
CUT BACK TO INTERIOR SHOT OVER SHOULDER.
MAN OPENS DOOR.
BCU MALE MISSIONARY

    MALE MISSIONARY:
    We just called to tell you that…

DUCK SOUND
MISSIONARIES LIVING ROOM:
FAST CROSS FADE TO LIVING ROOM. MAN AND WOMAN ON THEIR KNEES. MISSIONARIES STANDING PRAYING OVER THEM. MISSIONARIES’ CHILDREN IN BACKGROUND TORTURING CAT.
FX: VERY ANGRY CAT OVER SOUND OF PEOPLE PRAYING.

    MALE/FEMALE MISSIONARY:
    Hallelujah Brother!
    MAN/WOMAN ON KNEES:
    Hallelujah! Amen! Praise the Lawd.

FX: JUST AS CAT GROWLS THEN BREAKS IN HALF
HARD CUT BACK TO NEWSREADER
NEWSDESK 2

    NEWSREADER:
    /…To those precious moments in church/…

CHURCH SCENE:
LOW ANGLE DOLLY CU to BCU OF PRIEST IN HIGH PULPIT FULL RC GARB
PRIEST IS TALKING IN SING SONG VOICE:

    PRIEST:
    And yeah verily, verily, I say unto thee, that full forty-thousand were gathered together/…

CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF CONGREGATION IN SUNDAY BEST - ALL SNORING WITH THEIR MOUTHS OPEN

    PRIEST:
    /…to celebrate the annual castration of the kings camel. The king turning unto Daniel quoth unto him recite. Rings hand bells. We shall now sing from Hymn , All things Dull and Ugly.

ORGAN BEGINS PLAYING – VERY BADLY, SOUND OF CHAIRS SCRAPING, PEOPLE STANDING

    CONGREGATION (OFF KEY):
    All things dull and ugly,
    All creatures short and squat,
    All things rude and nasty,
    The Lord God made the lot.

BEGIN SLOW FADE OUT. XFADE TO NEWSDESK – KEEP SOUND OF HYMN DUCKED UNDER NEWSREADER.

    CONGREGATION (OFF KEY):
    Each little snake that poisons,
    Each little wasp that stings,
    He made their brutish venom,
    He made their 'orrid wings.


NEWSDESK 3

    NEWSREADER:
    /…To the bizarre.

HARD CUT TO:
BAPTIST SNAKE HANDLERS TABLEAU 1
FX: SOUND OF TOM-TOMS, AEOLIAN HARP PLAYING “WHEN THE SAINTS CAME MARCHING IN”
GROUP AT THE RIVER LEFT. LARGE FAT LADY COVERED IN SNAKES CENTER. PERSON BEING “BAPTIZED” VISIBLE BEHIND AND BELOW HER. SHE IS SHRIEKING IN “TONGUES”.
CONTINUOUS SOUND TRACK OF GROUP SINGING.

    FAT LADY:
    Ooogah, Boogah, Oh Lord, Waalah, Waalah, Jeeeezuz, Beempidoo/…

CUT TO MEDIUM SHOT OF:
BAPTIST DROWNING 1
PERSON BEING “BAPTIZED” is drowning. FROTHING. KICKING. PRIEST IS WAVING CROSS IN THE AIR WITH RIGHT HAND AND HOLDING BAPTIZEE’S HEAD UNDERWATER. CONGREGATION ALL IN WHITE AFGHAN COSTUMES IS IGNORING AND SINGING ROUNDS.
BAPTIST SNAKE HANDLERS TABLEAU 2
SOUNDTRACK REMAINS ON SOUND OF SINGING.

    FAT LADY:
    …/Waagah, Waagah, the power to handle snakes, Mumbo Mumbo, Jumbo, Jumbo, without being harmed.

DRUMS RISE TO A DRUM SOLO CRESCENDO. VOICES DUCKED.
CUT TO LONG SHOT OF PERSON BEING BAPTIZED’S BODY FLOATING DOWNSTREAM.
BAPTIST DROWNING 2
SOUND OF SINGING AND TOMTOM FADES OUT. DRUMS STOP “UNEXPECTEDLY”.
CUT TO:
BAPTIST SNAKE HANDLERS TABLEAU 3
CUT TO AMBULENCEMEN CLOSING BODYBAG. FATLADY’S FEET ARE VISIBLE AS BAG IS SHUT. REST OF BAPTIST GROUP ARE SINGING THE HALLELUJAH CHORUS IN THE BACKGROUND.
CROSS FADE TO BACK TO NEWSREADER
NEWSDESK 3

    NEWSREADER:
    /Well to add to our historical religious traditions, there is now a group of people who claim to have become infected by a computer borne virus.
    To tell us more here is professor X.

CAMERA DOLLY TO MEDIUM SHOT INTERVIEW STYLE TABLEAUX.
NEWSDESK INTERVIEW 1
BCU INTERVIEWER

    INTERVIEWER:
    Welcome to the show professor. Would you like to tell the people at home a little about this new phenomenon.

    PROFESSOR X:
    Goodday viewers. It has long been known that computer viruses/…

FADE TO LONG SHOT OF VIRUS LAB
VIRUS LAB
IMAGE OF ROOM FULL OF PCS. SIGN ON WALL SAYS “VIRUS LAB”. CAMERA DOLLIES OVER IT AND HESITATES BEFORE PULLING BACK TO SHOW ROW OF COMPUTERS.
FX: AN OVERLAY OF A DIAGRAM SHOWING NETWORK CABLE CONSPICUOUSLY LABELED “INTERNET” IS SHOWN. VIRUS APPEARS ON THE CABLE, LEFT (LOOKING SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE A CARTOON SPERM WITH TEETH, BUT PURPLE AND WITH TAILS LIKE A SQUID [TO KEEP ZLODUSKA HAPPY]) AND LOOKS ROUND. SPOTS THE 1ST PC AND DIVES FOR IT. A WHOLE LOT OF “VIRUSES” EXIT FROM THE 1ST PC, WHICH FLASHES INFECTED ON THE SCREEN AND STARTS POURING ORANGE SMOKE OUT OF THE REAR OF THE UNIT. THE EMERGING VIRII DIVE TOWARDS THE REST OF THE COMPUTERS. WHICH ONE BY ONE BEGIN POURING DIFFERENT COLORED SMOKE OUT OF THE REAR AS THE PROFESSOR CONTINUES TO TALK.

    PROFESSOR X:
    /…are among the most infectious things known to man. and finally they have made the leap from computer to human. Strangely enough, while logic viruses usually damage computers, the effect on humans is mainly to make them more reasonable, rational and happier. In order to research this phenomenon, we found somebody who was scheduled to be executed/…

VIDEO ONLY CUT WITH TALKOVER CONTINUING.
DEATH ROW
CONSPICUOUS SIGN, “DEATH ROW”. PICTURE OF DEPRAVED LOOKING SUB-HUMAN BEING LEAD FROM CELL BY WHITE COATED PROFESSOR, NURSES AND ARMED GUARDS. HE IS MUTTERING VISCIOUSLY TO HIMSELF.
FX: A LOT OF PRISON SOUNDS.

    PROFESSOR X:
    /…He volunteered to view the site that was spreading the infection.

Cut to screenshot
VIRUS COMPUTER
BCU OF VIRUS.LUCIFER.COM HOME PAGE.

    PROFESSOR X:
    /… and was seated in front of the monitor. As he read the text a strange change came over him,/…

CUT TO CU OF PRISONER SEATED AT KEYBOARD. SHOW HIM SQUINTING TO READ AND VOCALIZING IN A COARSE VOICE. HE HAS AN UNSHAVEN APPEARANCE, A “CRO MAGNON” PROTHESES ON HIS FOREHEAD AND HIS HAIR IS LANK. HE IS CROSSEYED AS HE LEANS FORWARD TO READ MORE CLEARLY.. HIS VOICE IS DUCKED UNDER THE PROFESSOR’S COMMENTARY.
CUT TO BCU COMPUTER SCREEN PERSPECTIVE OF FACE. OVERLAY WITH REFLECTED “MIRROR IMAGE” OF VIRUS SITE.
TRANSFORMATION

    PROFESSOR X:
    /… he seemed to gain in intelligence and even his appearance improved./…

MORPH FACE TO SHAVED, LOSE FURROWED BROW, lose squint, his voice becomes far smoother.

    PROFESSOR X:
    /…Subsequently he began to study physics, mathematics,/…

CUT TO:
STUDYING
STILL OBVIOUSLY IN A CELL. SHOW CONVICT WITH PILES OF BOOKS SEATED AT A DESK, MAKING NOTES.

    PROFESSOR X:
    /…philosophy, psychology, biology, astronomy, ethics, logics and philosophy and even began a science program teaching convicts.

    He began to teach other convicts,/…

CUT TO
CLASSROOM
SHOW CONVICT IN FRONT OF CLASS OF FELONS (BLACK AND WHITE STRIPED CLOTHING) LECTURING AT A BOARD COVERED WITH INTEGRALS ETC.

    PROFESSOR X:
    /… and it appears clear that the virus had transitioned from the computer to the convict, and was now rapidly infecting people/…

CUT TO
WARDEN THUG
WARDEN – NAZI LIKE DRESS TALKING TO PRISONER

    PROFESSOR X:
    /… as every person from the wardens to the other prisoners that he spoke with/…

CUT TO
WARDEN SCHOLAR
SHOW WARDEN AT DESK STUDYING

    PROFESSOR X:
    /… underwent the same change.
    Eventually he met the governor,/…

CUT TO
GOVERNOR POMPOUS ASS
[Can Aaron play this role?]

    PROFESSOR X:
    …/and after speaking briefly with him, the governor/…

CUT TO
GOVERNOR SPEECH
[Maybe the change will be permanent J]

    PROFESSOR X:
    …/ Immediately abolished mandatory sentencing and the death sentence, brought science and mathematics back into schools, established substance abuse programs instead of jail time after admitting to having abused illegal substances in his youth, and provided the convict with a full pardon after being assured that he could no longer harm anyone.

HARD CUT BACK TO:
NEWSDESK INTERVIEW 1
BCU INTERVIEWER

    INTERVIEWER:
    Well, that was very inspiring professor, and now, as a special guest in the studio tonight is D Darwin, Once a convicted murderer on desk row and now a leading educator. Welcome to our program.

DOLLY SHOT TO INTERVIEWER AND CONVICT

<<<< End of Formal Script to here – Outline-only follows…

CONVICT IN SUIT AND TIE WITH ALL THE MANNERISMS OF A DEVOUT CHRISTIAN TESTIFYING.

    CONVICT:
    Thank yew… and … Tells how he is happy his life transformed etc.

IMAGE STUTTERS, AND DOES A MELT TRANSITION, LIKE A FILM STUCK IN THE GATE OF A PROJECTOR.
Cut to:
SHOT OF INTERVIEWER LAUGHING.

THEN…

This is where a real studio interview would happen along the following lines if it were broadcast as straight news following the “discovery” of the story by the media….

    INTERVIEWER:
    Well viewer’s, we have X of the CoV here to explain the wildfire dissemination of this video clip. Thank-you COV Spokesperson. I don’t think I’ve seen a better fairy-tale in years.

    COV SPOKESPERSON
    Explains why it isn’t entirely a fairy tale…
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With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion. - Steven Weinberg, 1999
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