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It’s Fantasy Office 2007
« on: 2007-03-30 14:28:31 » |
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The New York Times
March 30, 2007
Op-Ed Contributors
It’s Fantasy Office 2007
By TEDDY WAYNE and GREG WAYNE
OFFICE Fever: Catch it! Baseball season starts April 1, as does the 3rd quarter of Fiscal Year 2007. You’ve drafted a powerhouse fantasy-baseball team; here are our picks for the ultimate fantasy-office roster.
Andrew Epstein
Position: Agent-manager, Epstein Insurance Agency. Cost: $225,000
This seasoned professional is coming off an all-star F.Y. 2006 marred by a fourth-quarter ulcer that limited his working time. A regimen of Zen meditation has speeded his return to The 17th-Floor Office Suite That Epstein Built, but analysts doubt he can match his previous Q3 numbers: nine successful road trips, two OPS (Ominous Pink Slips) and an electrifying 1.00 E.R.A. (Extramarital Relations Affairs) with Clara Boyd. His Intimidation Metric of two-thirds of employees has slipped drastically — a sign of diminishing power — from his prime when he wildly headhunted to replace personnel who gave less than 110 percent. Still a blue-chip pick, but watch out for a hardball contested divorce that could dampen workplace morale.
Adrienne Flack
Position: Insurance agent. Cost: $95,000
The staff workhorse, last year A-Flac had 220 quality workdays (defined as staying past 6 p.m., entitling her to compensation of an entree and beverage from Antonio’s Deli) with just five blown deals. Nevertheless, this contract-closer needs improved self-control: her weekly M.E.M.K.J. (Mass E-mails of Monsieur Kittens JPEGs) ballooned to 3.95, and when she’s not captain of group projects she sinks into moody slumps. Pencil her in for the second round, but only if she learns that 1) no one else thinks her scrofulous Siamese is a super-cutie and 2) there’s no “I” in “insurance team.” Except for that first one.
Clara Boyd
Position: Administrative assistant. Cost: $36,000
The Secretary of Offense flirted with a .400 WAYHFLA (What Are You Having For Lunch? Average) and registered an untouchable 56 birthdays-remembered streak. Moreover, Epstein’s singling her out as the designated hit-on may result in a promotion to the HR roster. But will her out-of-left-field hookup with the temp during the Alaska Hurricane Insurance deal-clinching party — clocked by the manager’s radar — keep her on the receptionist’s desk bench? Fourth round, or the third if Epstein’s wife finally throws him out of the house and he becomes a free insurance agent.
Nathaniel Moscow
Position: Temp. Cost: $12.50/hour
Moscow was a hit right off the bat as a September call-up with the office females after Bess Tremper went down with maternity leave. His dexterity in turning the coffee-and-copies double play makes him an attractive fifth-rounder, as does his lowballed cost and ironic lack of health insurance. The Kid, as he’s called by senior co-workers who have yet to learn his name, led the office with 14.61 W.C.T./8Hrs (Water Cooler Trips/8 Hours) and 39 stolen glue sticks — but was caught Minesweeping seven times. Unless he shows more hustle, Moscow could be sent back down to the welfare rolls, especially since his bush-league attempt at extra bases with Boyd put him on the boss’s warning track — a classic rookie mistake by a free-swinger with a chase-anything-close approach. But the front office may sign him to a multiyear extension if it considers the lefty art-school grad’s West Side Underwriters Softball League crackerjack stats for the Epstein Claims Adjusters (.388 EqA, 1.06 WHIP, 95.6 VORP). Possible curveball: Moscow’s string of erratic Monday-morning starts has fueled rumors he’s violating the office’s three strikes substance-abuse policy and may necessitate a rehab stint in A.A.
Will Jameson
Position: Custodian. Cost: $5.15/hour
A handy utility man, Jameson provides consistent, if not sparkling, production in the cleanup role and is a bargain at the federal minimum. Will his recent double-headers moonlighting as a bellhop affect his numbers with Epstein? Third-quarter projections: the hotel’s full of screwballs, so there’ll be a rise in his B.A.A. (Bawdy Anecdote Average), but fatigue will cramp his R.T.I.L.H.C.F.T. (Repairs These Ivy League Hotshots Can’t Fix Themselves). With the blue-collar Jameson’s appearances limited to mop-up duty, expect lower office-wide Pecota (Proletarian Economic-Consciousness and Ousted-Teamster Awareness). If he slides to the sixth, pick him up and get one more year out of his aging broom, then make a North American free trade for a cheaper janitor to be named later in time for the next spring cleaning. It may sound underhanded, but remember: it’s a business, not a game, and nice fantasy C.E.O.’s finish last.
Teddy Wayne is a student at Washington University in St. Louis. Greg Wayne is a student at City College.
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