The Pandagon Papers
http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2007/02/the_pandagon_pa.htmlTo: Senator John Edwards
From: Amanda Marcotte
Re: Job Offer
Dear Senator Edwards:
I am fucking delighted to accept your offer of the position of Official Blogger for the Edwards 2008 presidential campaign. Please find attached my fucking W-2 form.
I would like to express my heartfelt thanks for this totally fucking awesome opportunity to help you take America back from fucking BushCo and the other fucktard bible-humping extremists that have turned this once great nation into a goddamn rape factory for their snakehandling Jesus Camp hatebots.
In closing, I am so fucking proud to be a part of this campaign, and fucking gratified to know that I'll be working for someone who fucking understands the importance of reaching out to progressive bloggers like myself. I look forward to contributing in any way I fucking can. You won't be fucking sorry!
Fucking Sincerely,
Amanda Marcotte, "Pandagon"
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To: Senator John Edwards
From: Amanda Marcotte
Re: Campaign Ideas
Dear Senator Edwards:
I had a couple of ideas for getting the campaign off to a fucking roaring start. I ran some numbers and discovered that (1) Orange County North Carolina has a shocking lack of women's reproductive health centers, and (2) your new home there has 28,000 square feet of space. What better way to address community health needs -- and appeal to the women's vote -- than by installing an abortion clinic inside your own house? It would only take up about 500 square feet total (not counting the exterior biohazard dumpster), and you appear to have a fucking awesome space between the indoor basketball court and reflective koi pond.
I also discovered that North Carolina is home to NASCAR, which as you know is the official sport of toothless Southern white supremecist racists. I think would make fucking great campaign street theater to drive over to one of the local fucking dickwad reich wing repugnican NASCAR garages and piss all over their goddamn earth-destroying Klan-mobiles. On the way there, it probably wouldn't fucking kill you to drop in at the Durham courthouse to support District Attorney Nifong in his brave battle to bring the white rapist Duke lacrosse team to justice.
To help organize the local campaign swing, I've lined up a couple of camera crews and programmed directions into the GPS of your Benz (the silver one).
On To The White House!
Amanda
PS - I cross-posted my thoughts at the official campaign site, I will let you know about voter feedback.
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To: Senator John Edwards
From: Amanda Marcotte
Re: Focus Group
Dear Senator Edwards:
To help you hone your campaign message for the online community, I organized an impromptu focus group of top progressive bloggers for tomorrow night at the Raleigh Airport Hilton. This group will include political analyst Jeremy Lacewell of Die Motherfucking ZioNazi NeoCon Motherfuckers Die, feminist Kiersten Lomax of Hands Off My Cunt, and recent immigrant blogger Mohammed al-Aziz of I Intend To Detonate a Nuclear Weapon in St. Louis.
This event will help you get acquainted with online mainstream progressives, discuss the issues important to them, and come up with a strategy for countering the insane Xtian Jesusist lynchmobs. We will be serving lacto-vegetarian snacks and Ecstasy to help facilitate a free-wheeling discussion.
Hope you can make it!!!
Amanda
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To: Senator John Edwards
From: Amanda Marcotte
Re: Request and etc.
Dear Senator Edwards:
Sorry you had to miss the focus group. I received you request about deleting my old Pandagon posts, but I have to say I'm totally fucking perplexed by it. For instance the one where I said
"I had to listen to how the poor, dear lacrosse players at Duke are being persecuted just because they held someone down and fucked her against her will--not rape, of course, because the charges have been thrown out. Can't a few white boys sexually assault a black woman anymore without people getting all wound up about it? So unfair."
Do you really think that somebody would really think I had sympathy for those Duke rapists? Fucking HELLO, it was fucking sarcasm. Quality sarcasm, I might add. The only people too stupid to see the sarcasm are idiot Catholics and magic underpants Mormon baby machines, and they're probably so stupid that they agree with it unironically. For fuck sake, who could possible be offended?
Curiously,
Amanda
****************************************
To: Senator John Edwards
From: Amanda Marcotte
Re: New idea
Dear Senator Edwards:
I just had an amazing fucking brain fart. I tried reaching you several times by phone to explain, but you are apparently in some fucking horrible cell area. Anyhoo, here's the idea. You might have read my totally fucking righteous blog post where I said
"One thing I vow here and now–you motherfuckers who want to ban birth control will never sleep. I will fuck without making children day in and out and you will know it and you won’t be able to stop it. Toss and turn, you mean, jealous motherfuckers. I’m not going to be 'punished' with babies. Which makes all your efforts a failure. Some non-procreating women escaped. So give up now. You’ll never catch all of us. Give up now."
Okay, here's the thing: since I am so totally fucking committed to the politics of fucking, I figure why not turn my empowered political fucking right back on the Rethuglican Christofascists? Let's say I go down to the next meeting of the Duke Young Republicans and offer to do any and all of them. If they agree to fuck me, I can expose them as hypocrites. If they don't, I can expose them as closeted self-hating gays. Win-Win-Win! Plus, I've been in contact with Mike Nifong and he says he has some other ideas.
Edwards in '08!
Amanda
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To: Senator John Edwards
From: Amanda Marcotte
Re: password problems
Dear Senator Edwards:
I hate to bother you with fucking minutiae, but I've been trying to fucking log on to the campaign blog site to write a new post, and it isn't taking my fucking password. I left several messages for Jeff in IT, but he hasn't fucking returned them. Could you call him and ask him to help me the fuck out? I've got a couple new thoughts I want to share with your supporters.
Amanda
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To: Senator John Edwards
From: Amanda Marcotte
Re: I know when I'm not wanted
Dear Asshole:
After another fucking half fucking hour of calling Jeff, I decided to go down to fucking HQ and find out what the fucking fuck was up, and as soon as I got there the whole staff fucking scrambled and stared at their fucking shoes like I had a case of fucking racist repugnican cooties or something. That's when I realized the whole fucking deal.
Listen dickwad, I'm not that stupid. You just stood there like some Christo-fascist hatebag and let me get swiftboated by a bunch of insane extremist winger blog monkeys.
Don't you think I understand what you're doing? You and that miserable Stepford wife, playing happy family in your big castle, trying to appeal to the fucking fucktard middle America hate demographic. Well, I've got news for you, John. Amanda Marcotte and the grassroots will not be ignored. Don't you pity me, don't you ever pity me, you smug bastard! We won't allow you, or any other Democrat, to treat us like some slut voter bloc you can just bang a few times and throw in the garbage.
So don't bother sending a termination notice, John, because either way I'll be coming in tomorrow bright and early. You'll never be rid of me, or Kos, or DU, because we were all meant to be together.
Forever.
My Fair Blogger
Book by Iowahawk
Music by Frederick Loewe and Alan Jay Lerner
Based on "Fascist Pigmalian" by the Reality-Based Community Dinner Theater
http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2007/02/my_fair_blogger.htmlSENATOR JOHN EDWARDS
I tell you why there are two Americas, my dear Dr. Dean. Man is a product of his environment.
HOWARD DEAN
Balderdash! "So bententh the tree," say I. Take the insane Bush cabal that plotted 9-11, for instance, genetically rotted from root to branch.
EDWARDS
This is where you are wrong my friend, and I shall prove you so. Take the young woman over there, banging on the keyboard.
HOWARD DEAN (sniffing)
The one who reeks of cat urine? Ghastly! What of her?
EDWARDS
I am prepared to wager my indoor squash court that I can train her to be a proper presidential campaign representative.
AMANDA MARCOTTE
Fucking suckwad cocksuck fundy fuckwit godbag cunt!
HOWARD DEAN
Ha-ho! I will gladly indulge your in your foolish wager, Senator!
EDWARDS
I say, good woman... what is your name?
AMANDA
Amanda fucking Marcotte... Pandagon to you, you motherfucking cocksucking tool of the Southern fucking white fucking racist patriarchy!
EDWARDS
Young woman, how would like a job as my official blog master!
AMANDA
No shit?!!
WOULDN'T IT BE FUCKERLY (AMANDA)
All I want is a blog somewhere,
Far away from the wingnuts' glare.
With a fucking Aeron chair,
Aow, wouldn't it be fuckerly?
Lots of room to let off steam,
Lots of commenters, lots of scream.
Getting paid by the Edwards team,
Aow, wouldn't it be fuckerly?
Aow, so fuckerly bein' abso-fuckin'-lutely shrill.
I would never stop 'till spring
Crept over me windowsill.
Plastic Bush head on a spike,
assistant who's a vegan dyke. these and other things I like,
Aow, wouldn't it be fuckerly?
Fuckerly, fuckerly, fuckerly, fuckerly
[REPEAT]
EDWARDS
Delightful! See you monday morning.
******************************
EDWARDS
No, no, no! A proper lady must abstain from such vulgarity when representing a national presidential campaign.
AMANDA
I'm fucking trying, you asshole!
EDWARDS
Let's try again. To make a buck, you must not suck and fuck.
AMANDA
To... make... a buck... I must not... suck... and... fuck.
EDWARDS
Very good! Again!
AMANDA
To make a buck, I must not suck and fuck.
DEAN
I think she's got it!
AMANDA
To make a buck, I must not suck and fuck!
EDWARDS
By george, she's got it! She's really got it! Why won't you fuck?
AMANDA
To make a buck! To make a buck!
EDWARDS
And Who won't you fuck?
AMANDA
Some guy named Chuck, in the muck!
To make a buck, I must not suck and fuck!
EDWARDS
Congratulations Amanda, you're ready for the big fund raiser!
******************************
EDWARDS (aside to Dean)
Here is where my little experiment concludes, Dr. Dean - be prepared to pay off hansomely.
DEAN
Odd Bodkins, Edwards. You are a genius!
EDWARDS
Ladies and gentlemen of Sacred Heart Parish, instead of my normal stump speech this evening I would like to introduce my official blogger Amanda Marcotte, who will be presenting my campaign platform in song.
I COULD HAVE FUCKED ALL NIGHT (Amanda)
I could have fucked all night!
I could have fucked all night!
And still have fucked some more.
I could have spread my thighs
And done a thousand guys on the church house floor.
I'll never end up saddled with a fetus,
Morning after pills are women's right.
So shut your fucking pieholes pious Godbags,
I could have fucked,
fucked, fucked all night!
Edwards in 2008!
EDWARDS
Uh.. er... heh! heh.
PARISHONERS
EDWARDS
hee!
PARISHONERS
EDWARDS
ha?
EDWARDS
Amanda, may I have a word?
****************************
AMANDA
... and then the fucking fucker dumped me, after I fucking moved all the fucking way to North fucking Carolina!
HUFFY
Hee caunt do that to one of zee nethroots! Eets time for us to goo talk some senze eento John Edwards!
MY-DD
Important ACTION ALERT! Important ACTION ALERT!
D-KOS
Screw 'em!
(Angry netroots assemble outside the Edwards castle)
WE KNOW THE STREET WHERE YOU LIVE (Netroots Chorus)
We have often walked down your street before;
But the guardsmen always stopped us at your door.
But a rock can fly several stories high.
Asshole we know the street where you live.
Are there cameras watching every hall?
Can you hear us scaling up your wall?
Do our angry rants make you piss your pants?
We're coming to the street where you live!
And oh! Your towering ceilings
Just won't save you from the fear.
The overpowering feeling
That any second we may suddenly appear!
Guards with taser guns, they don't bother us.
For there's no where on earth that you're safe from us.
Go ahead and flee, we won't care 'cause we
have Google-mapped the street where you live.
EDWARDS
*gulp*
****************************
EDWARDS
Alright Amanda, you win. You can stay on, but under my conditions: first, you have to slap together a quick really sincere apology-like thing.
AMANDA
No problemo.
EDWARDS
Second, please no more cursing, at least on line.
AMANDA
Done and done, fuck face.
EDWARDS
Amanda, Why are you so suddenly so agreeable?
AMANDA
Got my first campaign paycheck, dumbass.
EDWARDS
Sigh.
I'VE GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO HER HATE (Edwards)
Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!
I've grown accustomed to her hate.
She almost makes the stomach spin.
I've grown accustomed to her posts
too nuts for Daily Kos.
Her screams, her shreiks,
Her fits, her piques
Are second nature to me now;
Like a parasite beneath my skin.
I was headed for the White House and content before we met;
Surely I could always be that way again-
And yet
I've grown accustomed to her bile;
Accustomed to her snark;
Accustomed... to... her.... hate.
CURTAINS
Author
Logged
