Exclusive "Interview" with John Kerry
http://www.alphecca.com/archives/alarc022804.html#d

As with all giant news gathering organizations, Alphecca has swarms of reporters out in the field covering the 2004 elections. Our man Brice caught up with Senator John Kerry at a recent campaign event.

Brice: Thanks for taking a few moments to talk with us, Senator Kerry.

Kerry: My pleasure Brice. You probably didn't know this but I served in Viet Nam. One of my men was named Brice. I think he was gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that mind you as long as they don't try to get married or something.

Brice: Yes well-

Kerry: Did you serve in Viet Nam? Or "Nam" as we patriotic Democrats called it?

Brice: I was born in 1981.

Kerry: Yes but did you serve there?

Brice: Senator Kerry, President Bush has criticized your voting record on Defense spending. Specifically, he's said that you have voted against almost every weapons system our troops are now using to win the war on terror including the B-2 Stealth bomber, the B-1, the F-15 and F-16 fighters, the M1 Abrams tank, the Apache helicopter and the Patriot missile.

Kerry: Is he saying that I'm unpatriotic? Since when do Republicans who haven't served in Viet Nam have the right to question my military service? I'd like to debate him about service in Viet Nam. I served, you know.

Brice: I don't think he questioned your service record; he questioned your voting record in the Senate.

Kerry: It's the same thing! Look, I've been taking swings at Bush for a year now and that's fair game because he didn't serve in Viet Nam. But when he starts questioning my voting record, well, that's just beyond the pale and veers into personal attack politics.

Brice: Senator Kerry, you voted for NAFTA in 1993 and you also voted for the current administration's trade agreements with Chile and Singapore -- much to the dismay of many Democrats at the time. Yet you now accuse President Bush of favoring free trade because you think it hurts American jobs.

Kerry: Let me tell you something Brice -- We all had jobs to do in Viet Nam. And the only trade we knew was a candybar for a pack of cigarettes or some hooche. I'd be happy to debate my war service with President Bush.

Brice: Your point being?

Kerry: I've got medals all over the place.

Brice: If you're referring to your Silver Star or Purple Hearts, I thought you threw yours away during an anti-war protest?

Kerry: Naaah... I threw away some other guy's medals.

Brice: As the front runner in the Democratic primaries, have you given any thought yet to a vice-presidential running mate?

Kerry: Brice, there are so many good choices out there who have -- like me -- served in Viet Nam.

Brice: Senator Kerry, you voted for and supported the congressional resolution authorizing President Bush to wage war in Iraq.

Kerry: Yes, but I didn't actually think he'd do it. I know something about war you know. I served in Viet Nam. Do you know what it's like, hiking for miles and miles through the hot steamy jungles of Viet Nam? Never knowing if your next step would be on a land-mine? Getting bitten by mosquitos the size of John Edwards...

Brice: So, Senator, you voted for the authorization to wage a war that you're against?

Kerry: Yes, and from now on, I think I'd like to be called Lieutenant Kerry.

Brice: Some of your critics have said that you flip-flop on the issues such as voting for the Patriot Act and Bush's education bill but now knocking those programs in stump-speeches.

Kerry: -Who? I don't flip-flop on anything. Do you know who I am? Let me tell you something Brice, I tend not to dwell on it or talk about it much but I served in Viet Nam and we had no time to flip-flop on anything. Anyone who says otherwise -- well, I'll be happy to debate them on my military service record. See those guys over there? That's my chorus of war veterans. They'll tell you I don't flip-flop. I was fighting for our country, our constitution, and our Bill of Rights.

Brice: Speaking of which, you're record shows you've voted for every single gun-control bill that has ever come your way. Yet you claim you support the Second Amendment.

Kerry: I do support the Second Amendment. I just don't think people should have guns. We had guns in Viet Nam you know. If someone wants a gun, join the Army.

Brice: You've gone on record as being opposed to gay marriages.

Kerry: That's right. I'm for all the people but we didn't have any same-sex marriages in Viet Nam.

Brice: Today, President Bush said he's in favor of a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. You'll support him on that?

Kerry: If he's for it, I'm against it. That's the Terry McAuliffe equation.

Brice: Isn't that a flip-flop?

Kerry: Do you know who I am?

Brice: Never mind. How do you feel about Ralph Nader entering the presidential race?

Kerry: Let me just say this, Brice, I believe in democracy and the right of the people to vote for whom they want to. We've seen what happened in Florida in 2000 when people were dis-enfranchised and dis-respected and didn't have their chads counted more than six or seven times. Every vote counts. There will be no coercion. The people should be heard. That's what I fought for in Viet Nam.

Brice: So you would welcome Nader on the November ballot?

Kerry: Fuck no! That freak cost Al Gore Florida. He could deprive some people of voting for me.

Brice: I notice that you sometimes curse on camera and also in your interview with Rolling Stone Magazine.

Kerry: Let me tell you something, when I was in Viet Nam, we cursed a lot. We cursed the food, the Viet Cong, the bugs, the-- Do you know how much trouble I had fitting my hair into the helmut?

Brice: Do you think the average American is looking for a leader who utters curses in public?

Kerry: Hell yes.

Brice: You've been on the campaign trail almost non-stop for months. Some say much of your support is simply folks who loathe Bush. Do you find people at the various stops excited about your policies?

Kerry: Brice, as soon as they hear that I fought in Viet Nam, you can almost see their eyes light-up.

Brice: Could you perhaps tell us about some of the policy initiatives of a Kerry administration?

Kerry: Um, what?

Brice: You know, what are your plans for stimulating job growth, fixing Social Security, protecting America's borders, Medicare, education, the nation's infra-structure--

Kerry: I fought in the Viet Nam war. That's my platform.

Brice: I've listened to your speeches, watched your TV commercials, surfed your web site. Don't you think you might need to actually offer some substance? Some ideas?

Kerry: Hey, you can view my entire service record on my web site!

Brice: Well, thank you. You're dismissed, Lieutenant.