France Requests U.S. Statehood By MICHAEL J. TOTTEN
PARIS, June 2 - The French government abruptly pulled out of the European Union and appealed to the United States for admission as the 51st American state.
"We have given up on Old Europe," said French President Jacques Chirac at a press conference outside the Elysees Palace. "Poland won’t shut up, Spain smells, and the Belgians are obnoxious."
The Bush Administration was reportedly stunned.
“The president is as surprised as anyone else,” said Ari Fleischer at the Monday morning White House briefing. “But he will be looking at the French proposal and will start a dialogue with the American people to help determine the best way of going forward.”
Le Monde published an editorial praising the French president’s initiative. “We French have long misunderstood the Americans. We mistakenly thought the dictator of Iraq stood for liberty, equality, and fraternity, but we realize now we got it ass-backwards. The Americans are our friends. We don’t want to play with the Germans anymore. They are no longer useful.”
Pat Buchanan opposes the admission of France as a state. In the lead article for The American Conservative, Buchanan says that “chain-smoking French intellectuals are not welcome in America, even if they are white and nominally Christian.”
In an interview with Z Magazine, Noam Chomsky decried the French proposal as naked American imperialism. “Turning now to the facts, the New York Times reports that both Dick Cheney and Dominique de Villepin were on the payroll of multinational oil conglomerates. It is just straight logic that the union of France and America is little more than political cover for the corporate merger of the Stalinist commissars at Halliburton and TotalFinaElf.”
French filmmakers were a bit glum, but tried to put a happy face on it. “If Hollywood becomes a part of Greater France,” said François Ozon, “French films will finally dominate the Paris scene.”
Former President Bill Clinton shocked no one by opposing the admission of France. “I was gonna run for president of France,” he said last night in a news-making interview with Larry King. “I was born in Arkansas, which used to be French territory, so I qualify for an expedited immigrant visa. I could be president over there and resume my friendship with Monica and avoid all the hassle.”
None are more opposed to the move than the French far-left and the French far-right.
Lutte Ouvrière of the Ligue Communiste Revolutionnaire said “With all that American military hardware, France will never be able to surrender again.”
Jean-Marie Le Pen of the far-right National Front said he would refuse American citizenship if it were offered to him because America has “too many Jews in it” and he doesn’t want to be “a subject of Ariel Sharon.”
The French are expected to vote on the matter in a national referendum July 4, 2003.
Polls show Americans are skeptical of French motives and would rather annex Argentina.