Go to:
http://www.thelemon.net/issues/index.php
and laff yer ass off!

Anti-War movement warns of "Dangerous Quagmire".

LOS ANGLES, CA -- Leaders of the anti-war movement announced Tuesday that as the war progressed in Iraq, the movement was headed into a "dangerous quagmire". Angela Hassle-Moore, leader of a recent protest march stated, "We have lost our focus. What are we really trying to accomplish here? Are we fighting for the U.S. to stop the war after it has already started? Are we trying to get another recount of the 2000 election? Are we just bitching and moaning?" Angela added, "If we don't know what our goals are, how will we know if we've won? How many more of our best and brightest youth must throw away their free afternoons and weekends on this hopeless cause?"

Michael Moore admits Captialism "Not as bad as I thought".

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Friends of director Michael Moore have revealed that he has said privately that "Capitalism is not so bad after all". Apparently, Moore confided in them, "I mean, I'm famous... I won an Academy Award, and do you know how many millions I made on 'Bowling'?", he asked, refering to his latest documentary, "Bowling for Columbine". When asked how he felt about the poor after his amazing success Moore replied, "To hell with them. Let 'em make their own anti-American movie and get rich like I did."

FOX news condemned for "Flagrant centrist bias".

WASHINGTON, DC -- Cable news outlet FOX News is still defending itself from claims that it has given its news an "obvious and deliberate centrist slant". This is not the first time the growing network has faced such charges. At the network's inception, it came under fire from other news outlets for for its refusal to bring coverage in line with "accepted mainstream leftist views". Said one program director for rival news outlet CNN, "They are completely out of touch with this country. Their extremist middle views stand in stark contrast to the views of everyone I know and work with."

America insists it is just "big-boned".

Amid reports that America is getting "fatter than ever", the United States responded today that it was just big-boned. "Honestly", said the full-figured nation, "We've always been this way. We get it from our forefathers." When pressed on the issue America admited that it had indeed "put on a few extra pounds lately" and that it had "been meaning to work out more".

Daschle admits economy "not as bad as we hoped"

WASHINGTON, DC -- Senate Democratic Leader Tom Daschle expressed frustration today that the economy "just wasn't responding" to their negative doomsaying. "With the war going as well as it is, we were really hoping for a break on the economy", an unnamed Daschle aide said, "While it is stalling a bit, we are just not seeing the big losses we need to put Bush on the defensive." The troubling economic indicators continue to roll in, with the economy refusing to tank even after the start of the war. The aide later confided, "If the economy doesn't bottom out soon, this country is in big trouble."

Saddam praises news coverage of war

BAGDAD, IRAQ -- Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein stated Monday that he was "pleased" with the way the news media have been handling the war coverage so far. The leadership was impressed at the speed and accuracy with which the media could convey exactly how bad they are doing. Said Tariq Aziz, spokesman for the Iraqi leader, "We have learned to count on western media when we want accurate, up-to-the-minute information on just how truly we are getting our asses handed to us."