Secrets of the axis of evil revealed: chocolate, call centres and coffee
By David Randall

Willie Wonka is ordered by the UN to open his factories to inspectors, President Bush accuses Saddam Hussein of hiding one million US jobs somewhere in Iraq, and an emotional Tony Blair tells the House that only by backing the US can Britain hope to become the 51st state.

Welcome to the satire war. America's humorists are now having a field day with the many absurdities of the imminent conflict. Leading the way is The Onion, the now-legendary fictional news website. Under the headline "UN orders Wonka to submit to chocolate factory inspections", it reports Donald Rumsfeld saying: "The world can no longer turn a blind eye to Wonka's deception and misdirection." President Bush adds: "Left to his own devices, Wonka could, in a worst-case scenario, make the world taste very bad." A material breach, indeed.

Back in Britain, Bbspot.com reports a speech by the Prime Minister in which he says that war is unpopular "but in order to be granted US statehood, we must be willing to support our President on issues like this ... For too long we have been governed by America without having a vote in America. As citizens of the United States, we will finally make our voices heard ..."

The same site carries a story that provides an answer to those who thought Iraq was stockpiling weapons for actual use. Under the headline "Saddam actually just doing research for book on weapons of mass destruction", it reports: "Hussein said he had always been strongly opposed to such weapons, and believes he was a victim of weapons of mass destruction during his childhood ... he acknowledged visiting a 'handful' of internet sites where he could view images of chemical, biological and nuclear weapons."

Back at The Onion, there were further revelations about the axis of evil, as new US intelligence showed al-Qa'ida had been engaging in telemarketing and may be about to launch a campaign of "cold calling". In just one cave in Afghanistan, special forces found "empty cubicles with individual phone lines, and 10 desktop bells, commonly rung in the event of a sale. They claim to now be in possession of a 'smoking gun', a motivational videotape made by Osama bin Laden which ends with the chilling exhortation to his followers to 'smile and dial'."

No one escapes the satirists' onslaught, especially not the French. In an exclusive on the diplomatic manoeuvrings, Borowitzreport.com says that "in Paris, French foreign minister Dominique de Villepin offered an official response, saying that France was 'unwilling at this time to join a coalition of the not unwilling'."

And, with an eye on what may prove to be the conflict after next, bobfromaccounting.com reports, under the headline "North Korea withdraws from Starbucks Non-Proliferation Treaty", that the renegade state is threatening to begin construction of 142 new coffee franchises. Says Kim Jong Il: "If Bush thinks we're evil now, wait till he sees a millions Koreans hopped on a Triple Espresso Macchiato. It ain't pretty."