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Squirrel Hazing
« on: 2002-11-17 19:33:36 » |
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-- original source: http://web.wt.net/~psherr/squirrel_hazing.htm --
You see it every spring...squirrels racing in front of cars, squirrels taunting cats, squirrels chasing dogs, and squirrels stuffing their faces until their cheeks are on the verge of exploding. Pretty normal squirrel behavior, right?
Two years ago, after yet another near miss with yet another squirrel while riding in a car, it occurred to us that there might be a reason why so many squirrels choose to run in front of cars at the very last second. At first, we thought it might be a behavioral response to a fast-moving object passing in front of them; then it occurred to us that it might be a desperate cry for attention; finally, we resigned ourselves to the belief that the squirrels were suicidal and trying to end their miserable lives. That's when we started this project.
What began as an attempt to counsel squirrels so we could find out exactly what was so miserable about their lives that they would want to end it underneath a moving vehicle, turned into one of the most startling revelations in the history of human-squirrel relations.
 SQUIRREL HAZING
*haze (hâz) verb, transitive hazed, hazing, hazes 1. To persecute or harass with meaningless, difficult, or humiliating tasks. 2. To initiate, as into a college fraternity, by exacting humiliating performances from or playing rough practical jokes upon.
[Perhaps from obsolete haze, to frighten, from obsolete French haser, to annoy, from Old French.] - haz´er noun
It was once thought that humans were the only animals to engage in ritualized hazing. As it turns out, squirrels have been engaging in the practice since the birth of their species. From cheek stuffing to car racing...anything goes for these wantonly self-destructive creatures.
 Here we see 3 1/2 year old "Dizzy" ** engaging in the oldest known form of squirrel hazing, known as cheek stuffing. The goal of this challenge is for the victim to stuff as many nuts as possible into his/her cheek pouch. A squirrel hazing "judge" determines if the amount of nuts is enough to qualify. Many squirrels permanently disfigure their cheek pouches from participating in this particular ritual.
Here we see 2 1/2 year old "Laurie" ** participating in the second oldest form of squirrel hazing -- snow sitting. The victim is told to sit perfectly still on a mound of snow until the squirrel hazing "judge" determines that the victim has sat long enough. While it is one of the more tame hazing rituals, many squirrels have frozen to death trying to impress the squirrel hazing "judge."
 Here is an example of a squirrel hazing ritual gone wrong. While engaging in the ritual known as dog chasing, 2 year old "Peter" ** and 1 1/2 year old "Kate" ** are forced to fight for their lives when the dog they were chasing suddenly turned on them. "Peter" ** can be seen here fighting valiantly while "Kate" ** goes into hiding. Fortunately, the dog's owner arrived before anyone could be hurt.
Dumpster Diving, which involves a group of squirrels participating in what could be called "mass hazing," is much more dangerous than it appears. Regularly, the victims end up impaling themselves on broken glass or dying from massive head trauma. In this case, 1 year old "Eddie" ** slammed his head into a discarded microphone stand, temporarily stunning himself senseless. 
 "Mandy," ** "Michael," ** and "Maria" ** demonstrate what is involved with the ritual known as cat taunting. This is a relatively new ritual due to the sudden influx of domestic felines throughout the world over the last few centuries. The object of this particular ritual is to drink all of the milk and eat all of the cat food before the cat comes after them. The dangers involved with this ritual are self-evident.
Here we see 1 1/2 year-old "Perry" ** preparing to engage in car racing. Car racing is one of the newest and most frequently witnessed form of squirrel hazing. It involves challenging the victim to run in front of a moving vehicle at the very last possible second. If a victim moves to soon, he/she is taunted and ridiculed for the rest of his/her life. 
Squirrel hazing isn't limited to one geographical location. In fact, squirrel hazing has been witnessed all over the world. Wherever squirrel hazing has been witnessed, squirrel "observers" have been seen nearby.
These squirrel "observers" seem to have the dual purpose of taunting the victim into performing the ritual and punishing any victim refusing to participate. Any victim refusing to participate is severely beaten, then exiled from the neighborhood NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN.
THE SQUIRREL JUDGE
Not much is known about this elusive creature. Until recently, no photographs of the squirrel hazing "judge" existed.
 While we were observing the dog chasing ritual, we notice one squirrel standing off by itself. At first we didn't think anything of it until we noticed how all the squirrels seemed to make a point of avoiding going near this particular squirrel.
 Curious to see what was causing the other squirrels to avoid this particular squirrel, we approached with our camera. What transpired next was completely unexpected.
 The squirrel suddenly turned on us, grabbing our camera from our hands then smashing it into the ground. Before we knew what was happening, it was all over. The squirrel had resumed its former position, leaving our camera a mangled, broken mess.
We were very fortunate to have been able to salvage these pictures. Based on the squirrel's reaction to our camera, we concluded that this indeed was the squirrel hazing "judge."
(S.I.B. Note: Discouraging hazing activities may be detrimental to the species.)
If you see a squirrel attempting to race your car, slow down. Since there is no challenge in racing a slow car, the squirrel judge will nullify the ritual and have the victim perform a less hazardous ritual. If you are walking and see a gathering of squirrels, take this as a sign of trouble. Try to break up the group as quickly as possible without causing harm to any of the participants -- we recommend either running up to them and yelling or drenching them with a low-pressure yard sprinkler. If you own a dog, keep it on a leash at all times so the squirrels won't have a reason to chase it. If you own a cat, do not keep its food and water outside where squirrels can access them. Do not give peanuts to squirrels. Peanuts are the raw source of "Peanut Oil," *** which is a powerful intoxicant to squirrels. If you feed the squirrels, only give them enough nuts to fit comfortably in their cheek pouches. Many times humans unknowingly contribute to squirrel hazing by providing the extra nuts used in the cheek stuffing ritual. Always keep the lids on dumpsters and trash cans closed. Add this graphic to your own site to promote awareness. Right click on it to download.  <A HREF="http://web.wt.net/~psherr/squirrel_hazing.htm> <IMG SRC="location of the graphic on your server" HEIGHT=64 WIDTH=160></A> THE PUBLIC REACTION ARCHIVE+
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How NOT To Rig A Squirrel-Proof Bird Feeder
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Send Us Your Sightings! (pm@wt.net)All squirrel images and information were...um, "borrowed" from several web sources. Last Updated: 1/22/01 Click on the graphic to vote for this page as a Starting Point Hot Site
+(the backbone of the Squirrel Hazing site -- VERY FUNNY!
*The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Third Edition copyright © 1992 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Electronic version licensed from INSO Corporation. All rights reserved. Reproduced without permission.
**Name of squirrel has been changed to protect its family.
***"Peanut Oil" abuse has been linked to 75% of all squirrel hazing deaths.
No squirrels were harmed by us.Several tiny flies were killed for flying in front of the monitor after they had been warned repeatedly not to do so, a meal worm beetle was beaten and killed by a gang of meal worm beetles from a neighboring territory, and a weed was viciously yanked up by its roots for growing in our flower bed and not paying rent...but there were absolutely no squirrels harmed in any way during or for the creation of this page.  Copyright© 1996-2001 P&M's Late Night Links
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