Intelligence strikes again! A crack legion of spy kangaroos opens the German diplomatic pouch, and pulls out the double-secret UN resolution that Germany and France have been collaborating on (so to speak). Here's the text of the proposal:
Recalling all its previous relevant resolutions, in particular its resolution 1441 (2002) of 8 November 2002 affording Iraq a "final opportunity to comply with its disarmanent obligations," and setting up "an enhanced inspection regime with the aim of bringing to full and verified completion the disarmament process,"
Ignoring the words "final" and "completion" in the above,
Recognizing that resolution 1441 required from Iraq "a currently accurate, full, and complete declaration of all aspects of its programmes to develop chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons, ballistic missiles, and other delivery systems,"
Ignoring that Iraq's response was to photocopy old documents from 1992,
Further ignoring that Iraq's chief collaborator in thwarting UN sanctions has been the German private sector, and that the main benefactor of preserving the status quo is French oil company TotalFinaElf,
Most definitely ignoring any Iraqi citizens who jump into UN vehicles screaming "help me!" and carrying notebooks,
Unquestionably ignoring the barbaric regime of Saddam Hussein, whose conduct makes a mockery of UN declarations and resolutions, and whose removal would come as a blessing to his people, his neighbors, and any prospect for lasting peace in the Middle East,
Eternally ignoring the lessons of history; forgetting the ignoble end of the League of Nations and the Kellogg-Briand Pact; repeating the failed policies of past UN resolutions; and embracing the dream of "peace in our time" against a foe who does not know peace,
Acting under Chapter VII of the Charter of the United Nations,
Directs the Executive Chairman of UNMOVIC to deliver a severe scolding to Iraq, using at least one, but no more than three, swear words, and accompanied with an appropriately serious facial expression; the Chairman may also make a number of "tsk" noises, not to exceed five, at his discretion; Recalls the Council's first eleven resolutions on this subject, and resolves not to fall for Iraq's "pretending to cooperate with the inspectors" trick a twelfth time; Permits the UNMOVIC and IAEA inspectors to be lightly armed, with one of the following (their choice): Harsh language, not to exceed the limits in paragraph 1; Pepper spray; A plastic knife from the UN cafeteria (blade not to exceed 10cm); Sean Penn; A whistle or other noisemaking device; The Nerf® "Lock 'N Load" Dart Blaster (max. 3 darts); In accordance with UN peacekeeping policies, inspectors are not permitted to use these weapons, but may brandish them menacingly and glare in the general direction of hostile forces;
Modifies the inspection process as follows: Before starting a search, inspectors will now only count to nine, and may peek slightly through their fingers during the count; Weapons must be hidden in easy-to-find locations (e.g., the driver's seat of UN vehicles), painted a bright yellow color, and have an attached sticker that says "I am an illegal weapon of mass destruction;" Saddam must yell "ollie ollie oxen free" before changing a weapon's hiding place; Guards at presidential palaces must give the inspectors hints (e.g., "hot" or "cold"), and are not permitted to put evidence on high shelves or other out-of-reach locations; If Iraq bribes a Security Council member to prolong the inspections, the bribe must be at least €1 billion to our usual slush fund in Paris shared equally among the Security Council members; Decides that, if the inspectors find illegal materials, Iraq will be granted only one "do-over" this time; Requests that, if it does not inconvenience him too greatly, Saddam should treat the UN with the dignity and respect that this institution deserves; in particular, Saddam should stop making paper airplanes out of old UN resolutions and throwing them at inspectors, or giggling uncontrollably while reading aloud the UN's "Universal Declaration of Human Rights;" Decides to convene immediately upon receipt of overwhelming evidence that Iraq is lying, cheating, hiding, sneaking, misdirecting, smuggling, thwarting, bugging, bribing, fighting, confusing, and bamboozling the UN inspectors, in order to read prepared statements and "give the inspectors more time;" Condemns the United States for its simplisme cowboy diplomacy, dividing the world into good and evil camps and actually choosing sides (how barbarique!); Condemns Israel;* Reminds Iraq that our two-for-one centrifuge sale is only good through Saturday; and Congratulates the Secretary-General, the weapons inspectors, the IAEA, and itself for yet another job well done, for the cause of world peace through better UN resolutions. Vive le France! Adopted by the Secuity Council on ______________________
Wow! Who knew what those savvy Euro-diplomats were up to. Guess we won't have to invade Iraq after all; I'd better call Dubya and get the 101st Airborne turned around.
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