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Topic: Oldies But Goodies (Read 7164 times) |
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Fritz
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Re:Oldies But Goodies
« Reply #15 on: 2009-01-20 17:48:28 » |
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[Fritz] Pay back to Hermit .... 
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the No.1 hiway . So I eased my car over
to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the
trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the
rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you
wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies
and private parts to the approaching drivers.
I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing
down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing
up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't
long before the RCMP(Real Cool Member of Police...for you Yanks) pulled
up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I
could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the
road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o-o-o,
those are my emergency flashers!"
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Where there is the necessary technical skill to move mountains, there is no need for the faith that moves mountains -anon-
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Hermit
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Prime example of a practically perfect person
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Re:Oldies But Goodies
« Reply #16 on: 2009-01-20 18:19:19 » |
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Groans. Had the whole household screeching.
Thanks
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With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion. - Steven Weinberg, 1999
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Walter Watts
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Just when I thought I was out-they pull me back in
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Re:Oldies But Goodies
« Reply #17 on: 2009-01-21 00:05:11 » |
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Walter groans in harmony with Hermit.
Thanks Fritz
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Walter Watts
Tulsa Network Solutions, Inc.
No one gets to see the Wizard! Not nobody! Not no how!
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Fritz
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Re:Oldies But Goodies
« Reply #18 on: 2009-01-26 20:08:32 » |
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[Fritz] Just in case yu'all thought we didn't hav'em in Canada
Note *****Politically incorrect*****
Drinking with a French Speaking Redneck Girl From White Lake (N. of Ottawa)
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In Canada we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
' God Bless Canada
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Where there is the necessary technical skill to move mountains, there is no need for the faith that moves mountains -anon-
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Fritz
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Re:Oldies But Goodies
« Reply #19 on: 2009-02-01 13:44:32 » |
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[Fritz] ooohhh .... uummm ....
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all
use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the
Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the
things you have started and have never finished.'
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of
White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the
remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some
Doritos, and a box of chocolates.You have no idea how freaking good I feel right
now. Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.
[Fritz]This fits with the Alcohol stops men being a flop in bed
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Where there is the necessary technical skill to move mountains, there is no need for the faith that moves mountains -anon-
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Fritz
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Re:Oldies But Goodies
« Reply #20 on: 2009-02-14 12:51:53 » |
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A Happy Valentine to all !!
Hugs Fritz !!
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Where there is the necessary technical skill to move mountains, there is no need for the faith that moves mountains -anon-
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Fritz
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Re:Oldies But Goodies
« Reply #21 on: 2009-12-11 14:31:52 » |
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for WALTER ... Cheers Fritz
The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily
Against a wall.
He asks the blonde clerk: "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get
something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him
an entire bottle of Laxative."
The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a
laxative!"
The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid
to cough".
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Where there is the necessary technical skill to move mountains, there is no need for the faith that moves mountains -anon-
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Hermit
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Re:Oldies But Goodies
« Reply #22 on: 2009-12-16 11:30:19 » |
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The Little Angel on the Top of the Christmas Tree!
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit; this stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out at heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffeepot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made of. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the tree.
Unattributed message in SL. A google search did not identify an author.
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With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion. - Steven Weinberg, 1999
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Fritz
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Re:Oldies But Goodies
« Reply #23 on: 2009-12-30 16:13:42 » |
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Given all the hands gestures at CoV currently, under the guise of communication, these politically incorrect oldies appeared in my email; to share I can only surmise.
Cheers
Fritz
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Where there is the necessary technical skill to move mountains, there is no need for the faith that moves mountains -anon-
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Fritz
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Re:Oldies But Goodies
« Reply #24 on: 2010-01-27 23:29:39 » |
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As the discussions on Faith and Dogma continue and I become less certain and yet more entrenched, I present this as a distraction appropriate for CoV.
Cheers
Fritz
Source: http://f2.org/humour/frantics-worshippers.html
Play - MP3 excerpt of sketch (584 Kbyte)
Worshippers-'R'-Us Sketch by The Frantics
[SFX: Church bell ringing]
Preacher: "Welcome, Brothers and Sisters, to Worshippers-'R'-Us, the first church of all denominations. Please open your generic prayer-books and pray along with me as you stand, sit, kneel, face Mecca or dance."
All: "O large person or persons of whatever gender or branch of the animal kingdom, who did something great and is now someplace where we aren't, please forgive us for whatever you deem bad, and help us to do whatever strikes you as good, whether that be to work hard, eat no pork, or wage a holy war. Grant us whatever you tend to grant, unless you don't interfere with earthly concerns. Watch over us, or save us from evil, or let us find out for ourselves, or damn us randomly. Amen. Praise Allah. Have a nice day."
Preacher: May the being, as you define him, her or it, be with you.
Congregation: And also with you.
Preacher: Let us give thanks for (a) divine intervention or (b) divine abstention.
Congregation: It is right to give him or her thanks and praise.
Preacher: May peace dwell here amongst us and [loudly] keep us free from war!
Congregation: [Sort of unison grunt] Uh!
Preacher: [Animately] What's it good for?
Congregation: [Bored unison] Absolutely nothing.
Preacher: [Animately] Say it again! [Pause, then more conversationally] Brothers and Sisters, last thursday during our annual Baptist-jihad-barbecue, I was flipping the meatless kosher hydroponically-grown food product on the grill, when a stranger approached me. He asked me, "Why bother? Why bother trying to organise a religion which synthesises all faiths and beliefs? Why bother organising weekly prayer-fiesta-sword-dances?" Why bother? But then I hearkened back to the origin of all our religions, of all our faiths, and I gave unto him the answer, the answer that has sustained all religions can also sustain us. Why bother? Just 'cause!"
"Now before we christen the babies, walk over burning coals, form a human pyramid and proceed out to the street corners to chant for spare change, I'd like to make a few announcements. Next Sunday is young Mazimoro Kyoto's bar-mitzvah-confirmation. We'll be down at the river at sunset, dunking him in the waters, circumcising him with a stick, and chopping off his hands for stealing. So come on down and wish him well. There will be self-flagellation and coffee served in the friendship room afterwards. Mrs Edmonds?
[SFX: electric organ music]
All [singing]: "Some think he's a rock, or a big cosmic clock, some think he's a bug that just hovered. Some think he's a bird, and idea or a turd, but at least we've got our asses covered. Amen. Praise Allah. Have a nice day.
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Where there is the necessary technical skill to move mountains, there is no need for the faith that moves mountains -anon-
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Fritz
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Re:Oldies But Goodies
« Reply #25 on: 2010-06-14 14:14:03 » |
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Where there is the necessary technical skill to move mountains, there is no need for the faith that moves mountains -anon-
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Fritz
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Re:Oldies But Goodies
« Reply #26 on: 2010-09-27 15:32:42 » |
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Rural Humour.
Cheers
Fritz
Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the doorhe sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.
"What the hell are you doing Mick" says Paddy.
"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I should do something sexy to a tractor".
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Where there is the necessary technical skill to move mountains, there is no need for the faith that moves mountains -anon-
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Fritz
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Re:Oldies But Goodies
« Reply #28 on: 2010-12-09 16:44:19 » |
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Somehow I figured this belongs at CoV. Cheers Fritz
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Where there is the necessary technical skill to move mountains, there is no need for the faith that moves mountains -anon-
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MoEnzyme
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infidel lab animal
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Re:Oldies But Goodies
« Reply #29 on: 2010-12-12 21:29:18 » |
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Thanks Fritz. I shared this quite a bit on Facebook. It was quite a hit. In my lifetime - 42 years now - the biggest media event for science was the Apollo moon landing, and the biggest media event for religion was 9/11. The underlying reality here is older than the times of Hypatia. The timeliness of this particular instant message seems inescapable.
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I will fight your gods for food,
Mo Enzyme
(consolidation of handles: Jake Sapiens; memelab; logicnazi; Loki; Every1Hz; and Shadow)
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