Kind of different from the usual threads I start, but I feel comfortable enough here now to ask: Can the love be cured, and if so how? While I welcome this thread in becoming a valuable topic for discussion and insight, it is (for me at least) more to serve on the basis of needed advice against unwanted memes - one that enslaves me and which I cannot seem to detach myself from.
Here's the situation:
I met this Asian co-worker quite a while ago and (stupidly) became very smitten with her. Unfortunately, for me, she was already engaged, bringing my chances with her to absolute zero. However, I still long for her... quite possibly against my will.
I keep telling myself that there are hotter girls out there, or that someone random person I've seen is hotter. It's all just me lying to myself to make me feel better, and when I come back to rationality, I feel pissed at myself for degrading her on such a fallacious basis.
Unfortunately, she is not only the most beautiful women I've seen, including chicks in TV, movies, magazines, etcetera, she also has an equally alluring personality.
She is a complete uber religious goody-goody two shoes. She's completely straight edge, never smoked, rarely drinks, and I'm willing to bet she's still a virgin. She's already got her Bachelor in IT and is well on her way to getting her Masters in Technical Project Management.
Somehow, will all this in consideration, she is in my eyes utterly perfect and somehow I can't seem to rid of my fondness of her.
This is also starting to affect my self-esteem. It's making me think that maybe her or any other woman on her level truly is too good for me; therefore I should give up on women. However, I am too addicted to her... very possibly against my will.
So far, I can only think of two things that would help:
1) Suicide (Brain death = I no longer have to care) 2) Quit my job (we're co-workers and I see her very often which only seems to fuel my frustration, desire and lots more unwanted hormones)
Both seem to be out of the question though. Perhaps it's just me, but love seems only to be the worst form of slavery.
What would be the Virian thing to do, or what are your own experiences on this (if anything)?
Re:A Cure for Love?
« Reply #1 on: 2007-10-24 11:48:56 »
Oh dear.
In order to comprehend the nature of the "triangle" you have described, I suggest that if you haven't seen it already, you should rent My Best Friend’s Wedding and use your imagination to put yourself in the role of Julia Roberts (Julianne). Pay attention when this bit of dialog goes past
George Downes: Michael's chasing Kimmy? Julianne Potter: Yes! George Downes: You're chasing Michael? Julianne Potter: YES! George Downes: Who's chasing you... nobody, get it? There's your answer.
Get it? What you describe doesn't sound like a triangle to me. It doesn't sound like love to me either. Love needs the interaction of two people. It sounds to me as if you are emoting against the internal idealization of somebody else created purely by yourself although you seem to have associated this phantasm with the image of someone else. This is not easy to "cure", because the "target" against whom you are emoting exists only in your imagination - and real people can't begin to compete with that.
I can suggest three approaches. From what I suspect would be most fun to what I'm sure will be most effective, here are my recommendations:
Take a trip to the whore houses of Thailand and Korea. Take a large supply of condoms with you and evict the little Asian girl hiding inside you by becoming intimately familiar with the altogether less appealing reality.
Join an on-line dating service and go out as many nights a week as you can. Courtesy of the dysfunctional sexual education here, the US STD rate is more like that of a 3rd world country than an industrialized one, so again, always use a condom. If you don't get laid, often, by girls who are compatible, you are doing something wrong. On average, it takes fewer than 10 dates to find a "real" person you can fall in love with. Please do not tell anyone you love them, or hint at any kind of future unless you really mean it. It really is not fair and seriously messes with people's minds. You might find Church of Virus BBS, General, Humor & Satire, A lesson in love for lucifer, Hermitess, 2002-07-21 helpful.
Buy apples. Cut one open and leave it next to your computer. Then visit resources like http://www.asstr.org (text NOT (generally) WORKSENSIBLE!)), http://www.asianporn69.com/ (pictures NOT (generally) WORKSAFE!) and other similar sites (google asian porn) and masturbate to a different face (etc) everyday or multiple times a day if that's what floats your boat. Don't forget a lubricant and paper towels. Eat the apple when you are done. Don't get your keyboard or mouse sticky. Combine this with the following. Think of the worst smell you know. Put something smelling of it into a form you can carry or fix it in your mind. Each time you see the oblivious trigger girl, sniff or imagine sniffing that vile smell. Your brain will soon break the association of your "ideal" with her. The reason that the actual scent may not be required is that if your imagination is as good as the situation you have described suggests, you don't need the "real" smell. All you need is to imagine it every time you see her and your brain will soon discover an aversion to her which should resolve the association it has established. View the following for possible hints:
With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion. - Steven Weinberg, 1999
Re:A Cure for Love?
« Reply #2 on: 2007-10-24 12:48:23 »
A couple of thoughts: I know lots of people do it, but it doesn't change the fact that its a bad idea - if you like your job don't date people in your workplace. It can be fun at first, but if and probably more importantly when things sour you are sexual harrassment lawsuit waiting to happen. Of course it could go either way, but generally men are more effectively targeted this way.
Secondly, what Hermit said. Don't be telling people you love them. Of course the sexual harrassment/ workplace issue again here. But from a starting position of never having even dated this person, it makes you seem desperate. It isn't that she really is "too good" for you, but that you've built her up to be. You've blown your confidence before you even got started. For this reason she's bad for you, and if you obsess for her you'll be blowing your confidence in dealing with other women as well. You don't love her - you hardly know her, you are responding to an ideal not a real person.
Alright so I'm just restating the problem, you want a cure. I suggest a healthy dose of meaningless sex. I would also recommend not paying a prostitute, that tends to diminish the confidence building aspects of meaningless sex. Nothing better than being a cheap bastard and still getting laid, so don't be spending lots of money on your dates either. Tom Leykis suggests a $40 date maximum http://www.tenetsofleykis.com/
Another thing I'd suggest is make sure you've got some good guy friends (I'm assuming you are straight) and assign some importance to spending some time with them. It will help take your mind off this one chick, and guys are generally good at boosting each other's confidence when they aren't in a competitive situation.
I loved you for a long, long time I know this love is real It don't matter how it all went wrong That don't change the way I feel And I can't believe that time's Gonna heal this wound I'm speaking of There ain't no cure, There ain't no cure, There ain't no cure for love I'm aching for you baby I can't pretend I'm not I need to see you naked In your body and your thought I've got you like a habit And I'll never get enough There ain't no cure, There ain't no cure, There ain't no cure for love
There ain't no cure for love There ain't no cure for love All the rocket ships are climbing through the sky The holy books are open wide The doctors working day and night But they'll never ever find that cure for love There ain't no drink no drug (Ah tell them, angels) There's nothing pure enough to be a cure for love
I see you in the subway and I see you on the bus I see you lying down with me, I see you waking up I see your hand, I see your hair Your bracelets and your brush And I call to you, I call to you But I don't call soft enough There ain't no cure, There ain't no cure, There ain't no cure for love
I walked into this empty church I had no place else to go When the sweetest voice I ever heard, whispered to my soul I don't need to be forgiven for loving you so much It's written in the scriptures It's written there in blood I even heard the angels declare it from above There ain't no cure, There ain't no cure, There ain't no cure for love
There ain't no cure for love There ain't no cure for love All the rocket ships are climbing through the sky The holy books are open wide The doctors working day and night But they'll never ever find that cure, That cure for love
[Blunderov] Not that I disagree with Leonard Cohen but I think his lyric should be understood as rhetorical and more for the benefit of the speaker than it is for the edification of the audience. It just so happens that we have all been there which is what gives the sentiment its universal appeal. Leonard Cohen has very famously been in love with very many women, probably simultaneously in some cases. It may be that there is a clue here.
The Hermit's anti-pheremone strategies are very cogent. Biochemistry is real! Likewise Mo's observations; the work spouse hazard is real too. But it is my observation that we seldom fall in love with people who are completely innapropriate to our identities or stage of life.* Indeed, we tend to fall in love with those whom we believe that we "deserve". There is usually a calculation, very seldom admitted, about who is above and who is below us that has been made well in advance of any kind of relationship. Part of our species nature (The exceptions do make great love stories - no shortage of those it's true. Thankfully.)
Does Bass believe he deserves an unrelenting virgin? Is this a classic Oedipoid complex perhaps?
Speaking as one who knows, the cure for THAT is to find a decent girl who is happy to fuck your brains out at any time of the day or night. Easier said than done I know, but my suggestion is that Bass fall in love with someone else instead. She's out there. Probably not far away either.
(Of course the churches would love to have us believe that there is only that one special person that god intended for us alone but let's not even go there...)
Re:A Cure for Love?
« Reply #4 on: 2007-11-01 18:16:10 »
My Grandfather once told me something about love, the wisdom of which should be apparent.
"The person one loves, never truly exists, but is a projection, focused by the lens of the mind onto the screen that it fits with the least distortion."
The "love" you describe is a self inflicted wound, in choosing a woman who is (or seems to be) unavailable as your ideal, you set a goal which you acknowledge as unattainable.
Focusing on an unattainable goal, and nurturing the emotional response, wallowing in the angst of unrequited love, you've created your own personal tragedy to nurture and cherish; by doing so, you have crippled you chances with any of the BILLIONS of perfectly pleasant individuals who populate this ball of mud.
It's easier to nurse your wounds and feel sorry for yourself, looking for failings in yourself where there are quite possibly far fewer than you seem to see than it is to go out and actually attract a suitable partner.
Remember that you have a pair, and walk with confidence.
Looking for those failings in yourself, you will undoubtedly find them.
"She" would love me if I were only...(Smarter, better looking, richer.. etc.)
By using the acceptance of a woman whose "heart" is given to another as the benchmark of your success you conveniently make her the arbiter of your happiness and sense of self worth; hardly fair to her don't you think? That's a lot of responsibility to carry. (Particularly if you're unaware that you have the burden at all.)
This whole drama unfolds between YOUR ears, it's YOUR mind that's projecting the idealized images onto this unsuspecting woman, she's oblivious to your self inflicted wounds, and if you love her as much as you think you do, you'll ensure that she remains that way. She cannot make you happy, nobody but you can do that.
Instead of focusing your inner dialogue on what might be wrong with you, and why she doesn't seem interested, focus on your strengths and areas of competence. Objectively evaluate your reasons for confidence and go forward with the sure and certain knowledge that you are worthy and deserving of a co-committed relationship, that someone will find you attractive, and that out of the billions of people on the planet, there is someone for whom YOU are perfect.
Be CONFIDENT, but not cocky... and stop sabotaging yourself with unfounded doubts about your worthiness.
We the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful; we have done so much with so little for so long we can now do anything with nothing.
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