From: Mermaid . (britannica@hotmail.com)
Date: Fri Mar 08 2002 - 13:49:56 MST
yea yea...that is particularly scary...
nahh..we are not fucked...its more like love in a non KY way...accompanied
by red hot nipple clamps and with all the gentleness of a spiky dildo dipped
in tabasco. Rock on!
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2002/03/08/notes030802.DTL&nl=fix
Ashcroft Sings, Nation Cringes
More proof positive that the United States Attorney General is quite
possibly insane
Like it's not creepy enough that everyone's favorite terminally bitter
ultraconservative Christian US attorney general actually has himself
anointed with cooking oil upon the assumption of every public office he has
every held.
Like it's not disturbing enough that when John Ashcroft was forcibly
installed as AG as a token bone to the conservative right, and well before
anyone realized he would swallow 9/11 whole and suddenly become one of the
strangest and most dangerous law enforcers in history, none other than
Scalia sycophant and noted Coke aficionado Clarence Thomas performed the
oleaginous honors.
Like it's not sad enough that the most ferociously religious antigay
antichoice attorney general of this or possibly any other century, the one
designated to enforce unbiased laws such as those separating church and
state as well as those separating the mildly psychotic from public office,
gives speeches at Bob Jones University and holds rigid Pentecostal prayer
meetings in his office every day.
And while he doesn't require staffers to attend, he does indeed make each
and every one of them feel rather discomfited and weird about it, perhaps
akin to your own boss holding nice daily little kitten-bloodletting rituals
in the company conference room and "suggesting" you attend but he won't hold
it against you if you don't and never mind the little notebook he keeps
scribbling in while scowling at you.
Like it's not bad enough the man ramrodded the USA Patriot Act down the
nation's throat, blithely butchering your civil liberties and scanning your
email and indefinitely detaining immigrants while openly stating that if you
oppose any of his all-American draconian laws you are clearly a Communist
terrorist sympathizer and should be shot and perhaps sodomized by leprous
cannibalistic agnostics on the spot. Completely true. Except for maybe the
lepers thing.
And is it not embarrassing enough that the man used eight grand of your tax
money to have those scary partially naked statues representing Justice and
Law, the ones that have been standing in the DOJ's Great Hall for over 70
years, covered with heavy curtains, because he has a deep fear of sex and
large aluminum nipples and did we mention the man doesn't drink or smoke or
dance? Ever? And he ostensibly believes calico cats are signs of the devil?
And we're not making this up?
But now this. Now the public singing. You have to see this. It is incredible
and sad. It is available via CNN, right here. Go ahead. Click. You simply
must.
Here is Ashcroft finishing up a zealous speech at a North Carolina seminary
and suddenly and with a straight face and with no one hurling tomatoes,
launching into a full-voiced, four-minute, shockingly awful tune he wrote
all by himself, "Let the Eagles Soar," a frighteningly jingoistic ditty
delivered straight from the podium to the stunned crowd and CNN cameras,
terrifying small children and animals and causing yet another bout of global
wincing.
It sounds like no big deal. Ashcroft sings. A little odd, but so what. He
was a member of the Singing Senators, after all. He and Trent Lott too. They
actually put out a CD, a few years ago. The song's probably fine, you might
say. Probably not all that bad, you say.
You have not heard "Let the Eagles Soar." You have yet to see the man in
action, this most powerful of lawmakers, delivering lines like "Let the
mighty eagle soar/soar with healing in her wings/as the land beneath her
sings/only God no other kings/let the mighty eagle soar," in his
melodramatic and quivery, barely on-key baritone. You will be stunned and
deeply frightened or you are already heavily medicated and far, far too
Republican for your own good.
Did you notice? "Only God and no other kings." Well. One God dominates all.
Let's see. Why does that sound so familiar? What other hardline religious
dogma violently enforces the exact same thing? Oh right. Nice complement to
his recent quote openly insulting the world's largest religion by stating
"Islam is a religion in which God requires you to send your son to die for
Him. Christianity is a faith in which God sends His son to die for you."
Charming.
In fact, it would all be charming and funny and cute and demented and
ultimately forgettable were the man not so powerful, not so draconian and
McCarthy-like and ferociously detrimental to the country's health.
Go ahead. Sit back, have a shot or six of tequila, take a deep breath, steel
yourself and listen to the tune again. Sing along, even. Wave a flag, stroke
a rifle barrel and feel, just feel your sense of all that is good and right
and remotely melodious in the world wither and die. Soar, eagle, soar.
Thoughts for the author? Email him.
Mark Morford's Notes & Errata column appears every Wednesday and Friday on
SF Gate, just like a special magic bunny of love. He also writes the Morning
Fix, a deeply skewed daily email column and newsletter. Subscribe at
sfgate.com/newsletters/
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